Food Budget Challenge

     I don't have a pantry.  Not because I have a small house but because when I pray the Lord's prayer I want to say, "Give me this day, my daily bread..." and mean it. Sometimes I buy for the week. But when my food is gone... it's gone. At least, that's what it feels like. I do have odds and ends, I have little bags of rice that are half used and just MAYBE they are buggy. You never know until you look.
     When the cereal is out, there aren't five boxes in the garage. I don't have a Costco membership.

     So when I told my daughter that I was giving her the cash that I use for a weeks worth of groceries so that they could be in charge of buying the food for the week, it was risky. Risky because if she didn't do it right, we were screwed. There was nothing to fall back on. No cans of beans, pineapple, or dry milk, or box mac-n-cheese. No extra bags of chips or cans of salsa. No popcorn waiting to be popped. There are no granola bars in my cupboard. None. There aren't any sodas or bottled water. And with that reality, I willingly handed my daughter all the cash that I had in my budget for food this week so that she could buy food for us. She didn't have to cook it. Just plan meals, and buy it.

     Looking back, it wasn't as hard as I thought  to give her the money. I was surprised by my confidence in my daughter. One of the things I have always done is bring her to the grocery store and explain my choices and why I buy things. When I cook dinner at home I help her see what I throw in the pot. And every year for our anniversary, my husband cooks me dinner with the kids and they never use a recipe. She has had practice. My personal challenge wasn't giving my daughter the cash, my personal challenge is right now, during the middle. It's right now that I am forced to see my parenting clearly.

     I didn't start writing and reflecting until day 3 of this budget challenge and I am in the middle of some pretty intense character growth. I am living in the consequences of believing it's worth it to give my daughter that money... I am sitting here on the third night of eating what my daughter has been buying on our budget and thought it was worth reflecting every day so that you could know what I am learning as a parent. And maybe, you would risk it too so that you could teach your children and learn the same things, or different things that I'm learning. Maybe, just maybe, you will be hungry on the third day because your children aren't buying enough. Or maybe you will be constipated because all you are eating is carbs. The question is, what are you willing to do, so that your children will grow?

1st day: Looking back to Sunday
     If your kid is going to have cash for the week to buy food for the family, you have to prepare on Saturday... at LEAST. You have to teach them how to look through the cupboards, and fridge to see what you DO have. You have to teach them how to see those things as ingredients for something that could actually feed you and make you full. You have to give them a vision for the three meals in the day and look ahead. Shop for a couple days at a time, maybe. You have to teach them how to buy three BIG ingredients that can be used for three different things.
    The good news is that I had shopped last Friday and we already had enough food for breakfast and lunch for that first day. That would save her money. More good news is that we were invited to someone's house for dinner and they requested that we bring corn over as our contribution for dinner. 9 ears of corn.... = 3 dollars. I admit, I was relieved that my daughter was only spending 3 dollars on Sunday. 32 dollars UNDER budget to spend during the rest of the week. Ah.... wonderful. This was easier than I thought!

2nd day: Looking back to Monday
    We still had enough eggs, milk, bread and cheese. There was tuna in the cupboards and lettuce and pickles, and fruit. There were gogurts in the freezer, cheese sticks.. I took my daughter to the store for the first time to buy two dinners and lunch for one day. I started to worry. She didn't plan for snacks, and she only wanted a main dish, nothing extra. Since I was in charge of actually cooking the food I KNEW that I could pull it off. I could look in the fridge and find some things to stretch it out. I could make it work so that we all got full. There were enough yogurts in the freezer, and cheese sticks still. There were chips from the week before.

      The choice I made as a parent was to GIVE my daughter the money in our budget. I called it her money. I told her that whatever was left she could keep, and I also told her that it was all we had and when it was gone, there wasn't anything else we could use for food. I wanted her to FEEL the responsibility. I wanted her to feel the sacrifice of giving. If she was spending my money then the decisions of buying wouldn't be so costly. I wanted her to feel as though she was responsible for providing food for us. I wanted her to fully deal with her character.

     On day 2, I realized that I would have to deal with MY character. My daughter's grocery list was not the grocery list that I would've chosen for day 3. I had to face the question, "Who am I when I don't get to decide what to eat?" I had to face the question, "Who am I when I know I have five people coming over the next day, and I don't get to offer them the food that I would by, but the food my daughter is buying?"
      Was I willing to risk being hungry so that she could learn? Was I willing to trust her that she would buy food for me if I told her I was hungry? Or would my daughter say no because in the end she wanted to save the money I gave her. Was I willing to put aside my pride when people came over and offer them food like I was the one that bought it? Would I be on my daughters team?
      Then there were the boys. I know what they like to eat. I sort of rely on having that food around so that they can be happy and not complain. What if they complained all day because they didn't like their sisters food? Was I willing to let my day be full of negative interactions so that my daughter could learn generosity and hospitality?
      I decided I was willing. But then again. It's easy to say yes to being uncomfortable when it is for the next day and you aren't living it yet.


3rd day: Tuesday, this morning, a current reflection.
      This is the day that I had predicted, all the food ran out from the week before. The milk, eggs, fruit, cheese sticks, gogurts, and chips..... all the stuff that I had bought for the day to day the Friday before. BIG REALIZATION of today. Now my daughter is really in charge.
     The boys had been fighting all day. There were other things going on, but one thing I know is that when they are hungry, they fight. My first instinct was to feed them. If the boys are fighting then feed them to see if that works. But I wasn't in charge of what we had in the house. I wanted so much to at least have a cushion of food to try to give them to see if that would help. But I didn't have it. I had to endure fighting because I wasn't in charge. I wasn't in charge of buying food. Who knows if that was the issue today. They never complained about being hungry. They never complained about their sisters food. I was really proud of the boys for that. I wonder if they are feeling compassion for her, or if  they just don't need anything different than she is giving them. Maybe she is giving them enough food and I am struggling because I want to fix their fighting and I can't.
      I am the one that is struggling, not them. We have enough food. The boys are fighting and I hate it. I am the one that doesn't have the comfort of offering them a quick fix....sigh.
 
      After dinner, I was faced with a dilemma. My youngest was going to water polo camp. He was about to swim for 1 1/2 hours and he needed protein. Do I ask my daughter to buy it for them? Yes. Yes, that's right. She needs help. She has never done this before. She doesn't know how much to buy us unless I help her. But it's still her choice. I present her the need and then trust that she will do the right thing. I need to assume the best in her. I need to assume she can do it.

    We went shopping. I found myself following her in the grocery store aching for food. I remember looking at the strawberries drooling for them. I found myself wanting to say, "Will you buy me these strawberries?" and then thinking, "She'll just say no! don't ask." I felt myself desiring cheese like I had never desired cheese before. It was like thousands of sirens singing the song of my heart. "Wendy come and buy me and I will show you how to live!!!" and yet, that cheese was so far away from me. I wasn't in charge. I could make no decisions at that grocery store. My yearnings were in the hands of my daughter. I wondered if this is how we get callous and stop asking God for things in prayer. We are SO used to no. We ask, and we don't get. We start to feel like life is about discipline and taking away desire so we aren't disappointed.
     It had been so long since I remembered what it was like to go to the store with my mom. I would ask her for twinkies and be so excited if she said yes! I found myself following my daughter and thinking, "Maybe she will look at me and ask me if I want a treat!"

      She bought plenty of food. She bought the right food.  She did well. I did not. Tonight I felt how tempting it is to use treats in life to make the day to day more interesting. Being a mom can be so boring and the life of service can make me feel so unimportant. Buying what I want makes me feel like I am in charge of something. Having food to fall back on makes me feel in control. There are certain foods that I like to offer people when they come over so that I can have a certain image. And tonight I felt how deeply I expect a no answer when I ask for things. I felt how quickly I cut off my desire and stop hoping. I need to be someone who asks. I need to rekindle my flame for hope that God really will lavishly give and give quickly.

     So tomorrow God, I give you control. You be the Holy Spirit in my daughter. I will listen and be honest and guide her. Will you help her be generous? Will you help me assume the best and be pastoral as she learns? I want to ask you for more things in my prayer life. I want to assume that you will give me good things. Help me be brave and not shut of the yearnings and desires in my heart. In Jesus name......

4th day: Wednesday
     The coffee ran out!.... SHIT!!!!
     Okay. Now it's on. There I am. Should I ask for more coffee? I need to think about it.
     I don't even drink regular coffee. I drink decaf....but again. It's about the treats, and the familiar. I probably won't have a headache that I didn't drink it. I did have about an inch in the bottom of my cup that I could find in the pot. So I did get a little.
     Today we have lots of familiar food. I get to boil a couple rotisserie chickens to make soup and a casserole for us and our friends that had a baby.
     As I reflect here today I am thinking that in the beginning the risk seemed about whether or not we would eat well. But the real risk for me right now seems more clearly that I would have to look my parenting in the face. And I would also have to look my daughter in the face. I would see her more clearly as well. How does she do under pressure? How does she deal with responsibility? Will she be generous?
     I have been watching her all day. Is this too much for her? Did I put too much on her?
     She seems fine.
     When people come over she offers them what we have. The people who come over don't seem to care what we have or don't have.
     A friend came over for dinner tonight and didn't want what we had for dinner. We had nothing extra to offer. I was outwardly confident, and inwardly stressed. My daughter however, never bat an eye. Who is my daughter that this is not a "deal" for her? Why is it that she just isn't stressed?
     At the end of the day today my 8 year old who is signed up to do the budget challenge and buy food for our family only one day this summer said, "I changed my mind.... I want to do a whole week!"
     I said, "Alright." but who is my son that he thinks he can do this? Has my daughter made it look fun and easy? I thought this would be hard for them!
     Maybe the question isn't, who are my daughter and son.... maybe the question is....
    What is food?

5th day: Thursday
     I am asking that question this morning a little more. What is food? How much weight have I given it? I think this challenge is easier for my children because they just don't care about food as much as I do. They don't go to someone's house and respect them more because they have presented an awesome spread of food. They don't eat when they are bored. And they don't need variety. They just want to eat!!! Eating is not connected to image or value. Eating is still just eating. Kids are used to not being in control of what kind of foods are in the house and when they have control, it's not like they are just PINING for a really expensive prime rib.
 
     So when my daughter goes to the grocery store, she just buys food plain and simple, and when they are hungry they eat it. Sometimes they eat for recreation, but mostly they eat when they are hungry. I remember now as I write this what it was like for me to watch the boys devour the nachos yesterday. I remember thinking that I wasn't hungry at all, but I better eat a small plate, because there probably wouldn't be any left after they got done, and I wasn't sure if there would be more soon....
   
      I think when it comes down to it, the question is.... do I trust my daughter to feed me? Also another question this morning is... do I break my commitment to caffeine and drink the coffee that I offer my guests so that I can have comfort?.... I will struggle with that a little before I decide.

      No... we have tea. I will drink tea this morning.
   
      I started feeling happy this morning that I only had 3 more days left, and then I remembered that on Sunday I am giving our family budget money to my 14 year old son.... I think it's best to stop thinking about that.

     Today we went to the store and I watched my daughter be a big girl. Then on the way home we talked about all the things she is learning. Those are hers to share but I was even more proud of her. I was able to share some of these things with her. How it's been hard to give up control and not eat the things I usually eat so she could learn.

6th day: Friday
    I felt weepy all day today. I don't know why. I felt incredibly proud of my daughter maybe that's why. Maybe it's because what I've done is sort of like a fast, and all the things that I use for comfort are gone, and I am just left with myself.
   We had to go to the store probably one last time... I watched as all three of my children worked together to buy dinner and food for the next day. They were doing the math together. They went to self check out and they helped bring the groceries to the car. When we came home they all brought the groceries in and I didn't even have to ask.
    Then were all talking about how much things cost on the way home and how much it means to them when we spend the money to go to the movie theater, or when we go to six flags. That seems like so much money to them now.
     I announced that the next day, the last day, we would have an awards ceremony to celebrate her big girl accomplishment. I think that is important. I think it's good for her to know the things that she did well. I think it's good for her that we acknowledge that we asked her to do something hard.

7th day: Saturday
     So it's the last day.
     I don't even want to eat breakfast. It seems so boring now, food.
     So unimportant.
     What seems really important is how we love each other today. I am really sad that some day my kids won't need me. Maybe that's why I felt like crying yesterday. I may have been experiencing the birth panes of an empty nest. I saw clearly this week that my daughter is capable of adult things. She is capable of taking care of herself. Maybe I didn't like that so much. Maybe we all try to baby our children a little bit so that they will always want to come back?
     Maybe.
     I do know this. Tomorrow I will hand my 14 year old the cash for the week, so my raw emotions won't just end. Maybe I'll be crying for different reasons!!!     


    

I move mountains.

      I am feeling powerful. Not because I AM powerful but because I know powerful things. You might think I am being a little sassy in this blog, but stay with me. I need to say it how I say it.
      My mind has been stirring around with something these days.
      By these days I mean a life time actually. There is something that just hasn't sat well with me. That something is the phrase..... "You are going through this so that you can help people." Or..... "Think about how much stronger you are because you went through that."

      I have always wanted MORE.
      Allow me to put you in my shoes for a minute. I was a little girl who had a daddy with schizophrenia. I wanted a dad that was emotionally available to me. I was grieving that and mourning that. I wanted to have a stable life where I could know that my dad was predictable and safe, but instead I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him sleeping in the hallway. I wanted to be able to have sleep overs at my house like other kids and not have them be afraid to come to my house. If you allow me to be sarcastic for a moment, when I was a little girl, hearing the statement, "You are going through this so that you can help people" was like having someone say, "You almost died in that earthquake, now instead of having abundance and thriving, you were meant to live where there are earthquakes and pull people out and have more trauma. You were meant to live in pain."

   I have always wanted MORE.
   When I went to college and found faith I realized that I could have a higher calling in helping people. Helping people wasn't just getting through dark trauma and then entering into other's dark trauma. I could enter into their dark and facilitate them entering into the light! I had found joy in pulling people out of the rubble of earthquakes. I have been drawn to a life of diving back into earthquakes and listening and helping people because they do get healed! How wonderful! When people ask me, what do you do Wendy? I have answered that I am sort of a Spiritual ER doctor. But being an ER doctor, though rewarding and wonderful as it is, I could do it all day actually I love it so much, there is still something unsettling.

   ...... I still want MORE!!!
   These passed five years I have felt like there is something brewing in me. I have been drawn to read the passage of Jesus calling the disciples to him on the mountainside. There he gives them authority to preach and call out demons. Those who know me well have heard me struggle with that word authority. How does one get that? I have wanted that kind of authority. I have questioned God in my prayer times... Do you give it to me God? or do I step into it? Then the thought clicked in my brain this week. What if I wasn't only meant to go back into the earthquake to pull people out. What if I wasn't only meant to bring light to those in the darkness of the earthquake..... what if I was meant to say to the earthquake, "STOP!!!" and it would stop?

      I was meant to move mountains!!!
      This last week I was healed of something that brought me new freedom and I felt like telling people about it. I felt like shouting it from the mountain tops. I wasn't just drawn to tell people about the healing, I was drawn to tell people about what God is capable of if we just asked Him. In my times of prayer with people I found myself praying with more of a "knowing" or authority that God would do what I asked him to do, because he did it for me. Then it clicked. All those times of struggle I have had to plead with God through layers and layers of hurt, spiritual oppression and sin. Every time that He has pulled me out of some pit, I have given a nugget of Spiritual Authority. Every time I am healed I gain more clarity about what is true about the world, God and God's power.

      I CAN move mountains!!!!
      When you know the power of God then you walk with that authority in you. You walk in believing and knowing, and you feel powerful. I don't think you have to go through trauma to get that but if I did, then I don't care. I love what I know. I love knowing God and what He is capable of, and I love telling you. Do you want to know what is possible and what is true?  

      If God calls you to something he WILL equip you and enable you to do the work.
     
      If you are bent with fear, anger, unforgiveness, or any other oppressive struggle, ask God and He WILL bring you to freedom. Plead with Him like you are knocking on his face. Day and night if you have to. Stay in the game and there WILL be release.
     
      Surrender is the only way to change. You can't try harder. It won't work. You can't just try to be a better person. You have to open your hands and tell God exactly who you are.... and surrender to mercy. Bend your ear to His love for you in the place that you are in... THAT will change you!!

      Hear this..... you are capable of anything.... even evil if you are in a desperate, vulnerable place long enough. So guard yourself. Guard your marriage. Even the best of marriages is capable of one of you having an affair if you do not guard your time for each other and take your vows seriously.
      Hear this...... God WILL redeem your life if you've already made choices in that vulnerable place. If you ask Him, He WILL bring people into your life and resources that can help you.

     And finally.....
     It is not true that there are only a very few special people that have a B-line to God. YOU have a B-line to God. The problem isn't that God plays favorites.... the problem is that you don't believe so you leave the praying up to the prayer warriors and the people who are willing to take the leap of faith and speak and ask. YOU speak too. YOU ask. YOU plead along with me and you will find that you also will be able to move mountains.   

       IT IS REALLY TRUE!!!!!!

     
            
  


      

Am I suffering well?

    This is meant to be a simple Lenten reflection. I think it is good to take note and reflect on how it is going to lay our lives down. This last week, there have been three stories, one movie, one book, and one from scripture that has struck me. You know I like to go deep!

   BEAST MODE
   The other day our family was watching a movie and it was a harsh movie about a father who lived on an island that was prone to flooding. He had a little girl about 5 or 6, and she often had to fend for herself. They lived off the land and life was tough. In one of the scenes, the girl was starving and her father was missing. When he finally came back she was defending herself, throwing things, and burning down their house.
   It was clear in the story that the girl's father refused to leave the island. He was stubborn when people wanted to help him. He never told his daughter his feelings and often told her not to cry.
   At one point when the little girl was fending for herself and being brave my son said, "Beast Mode!" I thought about that phrase. It reminded me of a video game when the characters are put in a battle situation and you press "B" and it turns your character into a bigger character with super powers to kill the bad guy. The little girl in the movie had turned on her "beast mode" of life to try to make it through.
   At the end of the movie, the main characters had to reckon with their choices. They were suffering because of "self sabotage." I'm sure you've heard of that? The were living in a land that wasn't thriving. They were choosing friends that drank a lot and made bad choices. They were saying no to invitations that would help them and bring them life. To make it through, they were entering into Beast Mode. They were yelling a lot. They were defending their choices and calling other people, stupid. They felt misunderstood. People tried to help them, and they dug their heals harder into their sad life and refused to change. They were hard hearted..... Beast Mode.


   IS THIS ALL YOU GOT!?
   We just got back from a family road trip. When we travel for long distances, we like to listen to books on tape. This last time we listened to a book about a boy that gets stranded in the wilderness from a plane crash. He is a victim.
   The boy has a hard two months figuring out shelter and how to eat. As a family we spent 5 hours listening to the story of hardship and victory. Learning, and failing. Just when the boy seems to figure out how to survive he gets attacked by an animal and hit hard by a tornado. There was a part of me listening to the story that was so angry. He just figured out how to live in his circumstances and then he gets knocked down! It was a true story of inspiration because the boy was a true victim and our whole family was pulling for him. In the end, the boy figures out that he is going to live from the attack and from the tornado and he yells at nature, "IS THIS ALL YOU GOT!!!??"
   That line struck me. Sometimes we fear the worst, and then when we survive it, and realize we are going to be okay, we feel invincible.


   NOT MY WILL, BUT YOURS BE DONE
   And then, of course, for Lent I have been thinking about the scene in the Garden, where Jesus sweats blood. He asks the Lord to take away His circumstances and struggles and prays. In the end, He is brave enough to surrender, "Not my will but yours be done, Father." I am so struck by the fact that Jesus lives for a greater purpose and walks willingly toward his own death.
   I had a friend ask me about 20 years ago, "What kind of God would kill sheep to atone for His people?" and I responded, "What kind of God would kill His son to atone for His people?" in the end, I couldn't defend God but just ask an even deeper, more disheartening question.
   And even today I ask, "What kind of God would then turn around and ask His followers to go with him and die to self daily?"
   This is a Holy suffering. A suffering of choice.

   Maybe after reading these three things, you have your own thoughts and reflections. If you want to stop reading, feel free. But I'll tell you where my brain has been going. I'll tell you the questions I've been asking if you want to know.

- What are specific ways that God has asked me to lay my life down for other people?
- Am I choosing to duke it out with God when I feel lonely and can't go on?
- Where in my life do I believe I don't deserve good things, and reject good invitations?
- When do I get angry and enter into Beast Mode and blame my suffering on other people?
- Where am I suffering in my life because of bad choices I have made?
- What are things in my life that I can't control, where I am a true victim, where am I fighting?
- How am I sharing about my life? Which of these 3 ways of suffering does my sharing reflect?

   As I think about these things an analogy comes to mind. Where am I pouring water on myself and complaining that I'm cold and wet. Where am I getting water poured on me and I'm honestly fighting to be dry? And where am I getting in the water so that I can walk alongside others and help pull them out of the cold and wet? And finally, if I choose to get in the water with people am I blaming them or angry at them that I'm wet? Or am I getting wet with love and compassion and focusing on Jesus who is also in the water.