Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Letting Go
Hey guys!!!! This years advent reflection involves a freedom dump. A freedom dump is when you have struggled and struggled with something for a long time and you get what you need to just..let...it...go!
I said it. That silly phrase. Just let it go. I hate it. Do you know when I hate that phrase the most? When I need to let go of something. It's so JoyFM. Just let it go listeners. Well that's all fine and dandy when you are the one looking in. But what about when you are the one in the struggle?
People have been asking me how I'm doing these days and I have been honest that I'm doing well, but there are some things I'm waiting on. I keep telling folks that it's probably because Don has a sermon that God wants him to preach on waiting. Our family always seems to have to go through something about a year ahead of when Don preaches it. But you know what? Turns out I'm not special in this area. It's not just preachers families that have to wait on things. Turns out this waiting thing is for anyone who....you know....breathes.
Let's be clear that I'm not talking about waiting as in, take your turn waiting. I'm talking about a "you don't have everything you need" waiting. I'm talking about an "if God doesn't come through with this, our life will be uncomfortable," or "I won't get the thing my heart has been aching for my whole life" waiting.
We may need to have a little discussion about what is harder. Waiting.. or watching someone wait. Waiting...or having a conversation with people who aren't waiting. It's a hard conversation to have. It's awkward and painful. So painful. You have the person who longs for something, aches for something, is in need for something, is empty inside for something. The last thing you want to hear are words that try to fix it.
Then there is the other side of it. Watching someone suffer and not knowing what to say. There is this awkward silence when you know you can't fix someones waiting and you just sort of stand there. You want to say something encouraging like, "It's all for the best," or "you will be stronger after this is over." and then there are those words that cut like a knife...."You would feel so much better if you just let it go." Those words make anyone want to yell, "That's easy for you to say...you aren't the one waiting!!!!!" But we don't yell that of course, (just in our heads), in front of you, we are a very nice verbal Hallmark card.
Alright alright alright lets get to the point where we receive this freedom dump that I spoke of. To get to that freedom dump, we need to dive into why we don't like those words, "Just let it go." This is the part of the blog where I start to divulge personal information which is why I'm your favorite. It's not that we don't like those words of "just let it go", it's just that those words rat us out that we haven't done THE most important thing, which is trusting God. We are supposed to let things go, and not worry, and give it to God. It's embarrassing not to be able to do that. If I say to someone, "Waiting is hard, and I don't want to wait another day," it's like I am wearing a nametag that says, "Hello my name is Wendy, and I don't trust God."
Well....waiting is hard and up until this morning, I didn't know if I could do another day of waiting. There I said it. It's not that I didn't try to let it go. I tried really hard. In fact, I'm going to let you in on my process of trying.
Here's my last year in a nutshell:
1. I just accepted the waiting and knew that in God's timing it would end eventually. The problem with this one is that it didn't end quickly and the next day I was done waiting.
2. I waited patiently externally, but internally I was mad. I thought about what I wanted all the time
3. I realized I needed to ask God in FAITH and believe without a doubt that he would give me what I asked for in JESUS name. So I asked. And was content for a while because I chose to believe without a doubt, that Jesus would answer me in my faith.
4. God didn't give me what I asked for and I yelled at him...."You said you would give it to me if I asked you!?....why are you not giving this to me!??!?!" And he didn't answer so I had to go back to being externally patient and internally mad.
5. Next I tried spending time in silence and solitude and felt renewed........as long as I was in silence and solitude. When I was home I was busy trying to fix things and make my waiting end.
6. I read a book called "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald May and he said I needed to surrender to my waiting. So I did. I told God I couldn't do it anymore. I surrender. I can't fix it. I'm done. This worked for a long time. When I surrendered I was real before God and He in turn gave me the strength to go another day.
7. After a long time, the surrendering of my heart of "I can't" became a lie that didn't bring refreshment but depression. Luckily God reminded me that "I CAN do all things, through Christ who strengthens me!" I began to meditate on "I can" for a while. And that helped.
8. I started becoming desparate to understand why God hadn't given me what I needed. I have done everything right. I have asked. I have surrendered. I have believed I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. What do I have to do? How do I give this to God? So I said, "Okay God, I give this to you. Even though I don't feel it, I choose to trust you." ......nothing. No relief of the pain of waiting.
Wow, Putting these things altogether I can see that I was approaching God as though he was a magic potion. If I said the right words, or if I prayed the right way, I could control God. I could MAKE him give me what I want....that probably wasn't cool.
Then....this morning! Yay this morning! This morning I had a freedom dump. The thing that helped me cross over to really really really letting go. It's...ready?....It's the second layer.... Or what I like to call the finding Nemo moment. It's that moment that everyone else can see but you. It's when you let go of what you DON'T want instead of what you DO want. Nemo's dad searches and searches for Nemo for the first half of the movie. He struggles to find him. Struggles to get that thing that he wants. He keeps saying, "I have to find him, I have to find him." When he encountered friends along the way, he asked, "Have you seen him?" Every conversation centered around finding him. It's only when he's holding onto the whale tounge and realizes that he needs to deal with the pain of NOT finding him, that he let's go.
And that's what I did this morning. I focused on the question, "What if I don't get what I want?" I spoke out loud, what if this is it? What if life stays this way? What if don't get to define what's best for me right now? What if God gets to define how we live and I don't. The answer to that question is a bit painful because the reason we are asking for what we want or need is because we are lacking. To not get it is to face the empty. To face the mourning and loss. To face the change and uncertainty of not knowing.
This could be the most no duh blog I've ever written, except.....what do you not want? What if your life is just like it is? What if nothing changes? It's when we ask these questions that we can truly understand what it is that we need to let go of. We understand where we need to redefine what is good, or what level of comfort we get to live in. Maybe it even forces us to look at suffering and see the beauty in it. Most of all we get in touch with who we really are, and enter into the presence of God.
Waiting.... for what we want.... and what we don't want.
This advent we are waiting for Jesus. Hark the Herald Angels sing! That's a more pretty song about waiting for Jesus. But where are the finding Nemo Christmas songs? The songs about what I'm TRULY waiting for this advent... I'm waiting for God to fill my empty. For God to change my heart and give me patience. I'm waiting for God to take away the lies of the enemy that fill our heads with, "you are stupid, and worthless" or "you can't do that, you will never make a difference." I'm waiting for marriages to be reconciled. I'm waiting for people to care for the prisoners who don't deserve care. I'm waiting for God to give me a heart that wants to go two miles when people ask me to only go one. I'm waiting for Jesus to take away my pride and help me do things anonymously. I'm waiting for good honest conversation that leads to the masks of suburbia to be taken OFFFFF!!!!!
This is what I mean when I sing..... O come O come Emmanuel.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The first morning of being 40!
I woke up this morning for the first time as a 40 year old and decided to get my old lady on.
Wednesday is the morning I go work out and so instead of my normal suburban housewife workout clothes...I put on my very fluffy brown leisure suit. You know the kind of leisure suit I'm talking about. You can wear it to church if you dress it up with a nice little knit shirt underneath... Or you can wear it to exercise if you're old enough to get away with it....and I am.
It just so happened that this very morning I wanted to work out and feel cozy. So cozy, in fact, that I felt like I had a kitty on my lap....and also around my neck. I knew walking in to the gym that not everyone would be wearing a fluffy brown leisure suit....let me rephrase that...actually no one else would be wearing a fluffy brown leisure suit. Just me. And that is how I roll now that I'm 40. I can wear what I want...
I walked to the back of the gym because where I work out there is an "express workout" for 30 minutes. During an express workout you go back and forth between step aerobics and some sort of weight machine to tone your muscles for 20 seconds at a time. There was no one back there today which I was really glad about. Because on the first day of being 40 I decided I wasn't actually going to use any weights while I "lifted weights." And if anyone asked me then I would politely explain that I didn't want to bother my elbow since I spend a good amount of my week filing papers already. I knew they would understand. So me and my leisure suit had a leisure work out with the wieght pin tinking lightly against the ground as I lifted wieghts like I didn't mean it.
One thing I like about my gym is that it's for beginners. They make a big deal out of that and write things on the wall to make you feel good about your beginner self. Stuff like, "You Belong!" and "Judgment Free Zone!" That's all very nice and my head believes it....but who's going to convince my food baby! Actually I shouldn't misrepresent my food baby. She's actually pretty nice and surprisingly easy to talk to. For example this morning my food baby was there for me as I talked out how I felt about the fact that I was now 40. She totally understood because she had turned 40 quite a while back...It was really nice to have a friend.
After I was done working out, I wasn't quite done with my mug of coffee and I wanted some water. Turns out that at my gym they give old people free water! There is this silver thing that sticks out of the wall and cold water comes out of it. That was such a treat. I thought it would be REALLY cool thought if they could make one with Coke. Maybe someone will read this blog and make it happen.
One of the benefits of being old is the experience of having so much life behind you. You understand that you have to make do with what you have. Which is good to know when you walk into the shower rooms and realize that you don't actually have a towel. At a time like that you look around you and take a look see at what you DO have. And what did I have this morning that could take the place of a towel....you guessed it....a fluffy brown leisure suit. And you bet your nice suburban wife britches that I took myself a shower...and used it....for a towel!!! mmmmmm yes!
Turns out that old people work out clothes have a surprising absorbancy and are very useful for drying off. And when you wear them back out the door it looks like you've really sweat up a storm.
That's right....I'm 40 now!!!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
LOVEEEEEEEEEE
When I first got married I had tension in my heart about the whole thing. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Don, but at the same time I was terrified. We both knew that we were headed into this commitment for the long haul. The word divorce was not an option. And that....is what made my heart weary. If divorce is not an option, then my spouse may lose heart to be in the marriage, and stay with me, because he said he would....stuck.
It's a scary thing to think that you would become a person that people have to choose to love.
Or a vulnerable thing....
Either way, I'd hate to think that anyone would be with me because they had too. Or because they chose it...not because I was a joy to be around.
During my time at University, I remember going to my first InterVarsity meeting with a speaker and hearing the words, "We are going to choose to love people, even when it's hard to love them," and I thought, "Who is hard to love?...Gosh, that would be terrible to think that people are hard to love...or that I am hard to love." The whole subject kept coming up in our Christian Fellowship group and I wondered who these people were, that they felt people were so hard to love? My assessment was that there was something wrong with them....they obviously weren't mature in their faith.
As I experienced the college life, living on my own for the first time, living with people, going on retreats, spending extended time with folks other than my safe family, I began to notice that life was different than I thought. Out there in the real world, everywhere I went, there were people. There were different kinds... and they didn't have my brain. The world didn't revolve around me and my needs. Who knew? My eyes were opened. I took the first step in realizing that in fact there WERE people out there hard to love.....good thing I was adorable! How terrible for them....I know right?
But then it happened. The first time someone told me I was obnoxious.
Yes....obnoxious. They actually used those words....and more... I remember well. "Wendy you get hyper and you don't know when to stop. It's obnoxious and I don't want to be around you when you get that way."....... Awkward silence and possibly some sobbing.
So maybe I just had a bad year. Maybe I needed to get rid of some baggage. I doggedly started counseling and inner healing and tried to get to the bottom of things so that I could be better! In my mind that worked. In my mind I was more in control of my emotions and my tendencies to get attention at all costs.
But it seemed that there was always more. Some confrontation with a person that brought me to my knees that it just...might...be...true.... There might be no one out there...who is loveable at all times.
So here's the deal.... Seriously folks. I'm embarrassed to admit this progression I went through, but I am going to tell you:
#1 Everyone is adorable
#2 Some people are not adorable, but I am adorable.
#3 Every else is not adorable, but I am still adorable....
#4 Even I am not adorable sometimes.....Oh dear.
#5 If we live in community and really follow Jesus, everyone will have to choose to love me, just like I will have to choose to love people I live and work with.... Oh dear...Oh DEAR!!!!
Why?!?!? Why does it have to be that way!??! I demand a rematch!
I have found that there is great freedom in getting to the #5 reality. In fact it is so freeing that I have some words I'd like you to try with me... Say, "I am not awesome." Now take it to the next level, "I am not awesome....and people know it." ....ready for the ultimate? "I am not awesome, people know it.... and still love me!" YESSSSS It's true. We are not awesome. People know it...and love us anyway... still.
I fight it. In fact, every time my husband goes away on a trip I just can't stand how bad my character is when I watch the children on my own. It's like I become 12 years old again and don't know how to parent without my Donnie. And it's always so public. Either I lose it at church or I lose it when the front door is open and someone just HAPPENS to be walking by. I lift my hands up like a criminal just caught by the police and say, "Oh hey there.... here I am! heh heh" This week my man is in Honduras and I wrote him a text that said, "I am not mature enough to do this, nor do I have the character to love your children well." Do you know what he texted back? He said, "I don't care what you are.....you are mine."
Shoooooot people.
That little girl who was scared to get married has had her idea of beauty changed. Beauty used to be that we all never fought and lived in peace and no one ever raised their voice. But how deep...how deep is the love I have for those who have seen me at my worst and have stayed.
And you know eventually these blogs of mine get down to my Jesus right?
Today I looked my 12 year old in the eyes and said, "Simon... you know how sometimes there are people in your life that you would rather they would go away? Because they make your life hard, or because they inconvenience you...or make it so you don't get what you want? Well think about this. Those people have never inconvenienced you more than you have inconvenienced Jesus. Because of you, He was nailed to a tree and murdered. Now THAT....is giving someone a hard day."
We just looked at each other and smiled. Because bearing with one another in love is the beginning. It's where our faith starts. I find that the harder it is to love someone...the greater the joy. Because when we don't want to love....that is when we actually DO love.
It will be my pleasure to try very hard to help you understand this.....by being really difficult.
It's a scary thing to think that you would become a person that people have to choose to love.
Or a vulnerable thing....
Either way, I'd hate to think that anyone would be with me because they had too. Or because they chose it...not because I was a joy to be around.
During my time at University, I remember going to my first InterVarsity meeting with a speaker and hearing the words, "We are going to choose to love people, even when it's hard to love them," and I thought, "Who is hard to love?...Gosh, that would be terrible to think that people are hard to love...or that I am hard to love." The whole subject kept coming up in our Christian Fellowship group and I wondered who these people were, that they felt people were so hard to love? My assessment was that there was something wrong with them....they obviously weren't mature in their faith.
As I experienced the college life, living on my own for the first time, living with people, going on retreats, spending extended time with folks other than my safe family, I began to notice that life was different than I thought. Out there in the real world, everywhere I went, there were people. There were different kinds... and they didn't have my brain. The world didn't revolve around me and my needs. Who knew? My eyes were opened. I took the first step in realizing that in fact there WERE people out there hard to love.....good thing I was adorable! How terrible for them....I know right?
But then it happened. The first time someone told me I was obnoxious.
Yes....obnoxious. They actually used those words....and more... I remember well. "Wendy you get hyper and you don't know when to stop. It's obnoxious and I don't want to be around you when you get that way."....... Awkward silence and possibly some sobbing.
So maybe I just had a bad year. Maybe I needed to get rid of some baggage. I doggedly started counseling and inner healing and tried to get to the bottom of things so that I could be better! In my mind that worked. In my mind I was more in control of my emotions and my tendencies to get attention at all costs.
But it seemed that there was always more. Some confrontation with a person that brought me to my knees that it just...might...be...true.... There might be no one out there...who is loveable at all times.
So here's the deal.... Seriously folks. I'm embarrassed to admit this progression I went through, but I am going to tell you:
#1 Everyone is adorable
#2 Some people are not adorable, but I am adorable.
#3 Every else is not adorable, but I am still adorable....
#4 Even I am not adorable sometimes.....Oh dear.
#5 If we live in community and really follow Jesus, everyone will have to choose to love me, just like I will have to choose to love people I live and work with.... Oh dear...Oh DEAR!!!!
Why?!?!? Why does it have to be that way!??! I demand a rematch!
I have found that there is great freedom in getting to the #5 reality. In fact it is so freeing that I have some words I'd like you to try with me... Say, "I am not awesome." Now take it to the next level, "I am not awesome....and people know it." ....ready for the ultimate? "I am not awesome, people know it.... and still love me!" YESSSSS It's true. We are not awesome. People know it...and love us anyway... still.
I fight it. In fact, every time my husband goes away on a trip I just can't stand how bad my character is when I watch the children on my own. It's like I become 12 years old again and don't know how to parent without my Donnie. And it's always so public. Either I lose it at church or I lose it when the front door is open and someone just HAPPENS to be walking by. I lift my hands up like a criminal just caught by the police and say, "Oh hey there.... here I am! heh heh" This week my man is in Honduras and I wrote him a text that said, "I am not mature enough to do this, nor do I have the character to love your children well." Do you know what he texted back? He said, "I don't care what you are.....you are mine."
Shoooooot people.
That little girl who was scared to get married has had her idea of beauty changed. Beauty used to be that we all never fought and lived in peace and no one ever raised their voice. But how deep...how deep is the love I have for those who have seen me at my worst and have stayed.
And you know eventually these blogs of mine get down to my Jesus right?
Today I looked my 12 year old in the eyes and said, "Simon... you know how sometimes there are people in your life that you would rather they would go away? Because they make your life hard, or because they inconvenience you...or make it so you don't get what you want? Well think about this. Those people have never inconvenienced you more than you have inconvenienced Jesus. Because of you, He was nailed to a tree and murdered. Now THAT....is giving someone a hard day."
We just looked at each other and smiled. Because bearing with one another in love is the beginning. It's where our faith starts. I find that the harder it is to love someone...the greater the joy. Because when we don't want to love....that is when we actually DO love.
It will be my pleasure to try very hard to help you understand this.....by being really difficult.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Sometimes I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
So I haven't written in about five months and it's because as I parent I've fallen into this sort of black hole. I usually feel like I have some tricks up my sleeve to logically help my kids through the stage their in. Or at least I mess up really bad and learn from it and then I have something deep and meaningful I need to tell you.
I really WANT to write. I've missed you all. I'ts 3am and the cat just meowed to go out so naturally I can't sleep and instead of wasting time on facebook I tried to actually go back to bed. I thought it might make me tired to think of a blog topic. We could talk about helping your kids with food habits...... Building your childs character...... Praying through fear issues..... I have a lot to say about those things. But my five your old won't eat his vegetables. My sweet daughter who once was everyone's friend is now going straight to her bed and crying in jealousy fits. And my son throws himself on the floor mad at himself because he doesn't remember how to fill out the outside of an envelope to send a letter and feels stupid.
I could wait to write when things are going well, when I know how to fix the problem you are having with some wise words from Wendy.... but I can't fix it.
The truth is, hormones have come to my house. You can't fix hormones. You have to surrender to them. Love them. Try to make friends with them.....Sometimes I watch the hormones with a blank stare. I am like Jane Goodall observing the beasts in the wild and taking notes.
It all started about seven months ago. My middle child was the wild card and usually paired up with either my oldest or my youngest to play. This worked well. Of course we had the left out thing with the third party lonely and "they aren't playing with me" talk. I also had quite a bit of the party of two spying on the one left out. That's as nasty as it got.
These days though, my oldest two have paired up in an ongoing alliance and they are venemous toward the youngest. Yes. They have made the switch. The inevitable "I-am-ready-to grow-up-and-stop-hangin-out-with-such-immature-little-magots-such-as-you" phase.
"Victor....stop being so close to me, you are annoying!" -I'm not close to you!
"Yes you are! I'm trying to read and you are touching me!"....-no I'm not!
"Yes you ARE!....you are such a liar!"....I'm not a liar!
"You ARE...You are lying right now and you always lie!"...You're mean Teya!
"Oh it's always my fault, everyone loves you, they think you are so cute and sweet. But you are NOT. You are a Liar and you don't EVER listen. You always get your way!" - I DON'T!!!!
"MOM!!!!...I NEED HELP WITH VICTOR!!!!!!"
And so it goes....almost everyday. Different issue, but it smells the same.
Here's the deal people. When my kids are fighting I don't take the time to figure out who started it and why blah blah blah....just take some space and get over it right? Either no one gets in trouble or they all get in trouble. These days being neutral just isn't cutting it. The older two want Victor to pay in blood. If I do not hold him accountable to his obvious on purpose annoying self then I have sided with the enemy, and I no longer love them and they must stick together because...sniff.... they only have each other. OH YES! They have started walking hand in hand sometimes in public to console each other. I'm sometimes afraid that people in the grocery store will think that I let my 10 year old daughter date because brothers and sisters that age don't hold hands in a lovers lock!
Eventually I figured we all just needed to have a little talk, so I called a family meeting. On the agenda for the evening.....
#1. Change your underwear.
#2. Change your underwear!
#3. CHANGE your UNDERWEAR!!
#4. CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!!!
#5. If you don't start changing your underwear, I'm going to put it up outside so the neighbors can see how gross you are!!!!!
#6.. Let's talk about what's going on between your three.....I'm listening.
We duked it out....yes we did. My mother in law was the witness. She sat quietly doing her puzzle at the kitchen table while everyone shared their feelings and I heard them and Don heard them. Getting the dad involved was my first awesome choice by the way. When you are dealing with hormones you need a back up plan. (You also need an escape plan in case you are not winning. I figure if it gets too bad I might just leave them alone for awhile until it gets so bad they want me back....) Anyway...did I say that out loud? Yes. We duked it out.
Okay so I learned..and was humbled that my parenting techniques worked on babies, but not mature adults like my children.
Oh wait, that's my sarcasm speaking. Let me try again.
What I heard them saying is that they are growing up and they need their space. The old "everyone needs to play together" just isn't what the older two need anymore. I also heard that my younger one is lonely. And sad. And I didn't do my motherly duty and make him a playmate his age. That's my bad. Or....he's going to be lonely for a couple years, and that's okay.
I also learned that the "everyone gets in trouble or no one gets in trouble" technique isn't quite fair anymore. I can't assume that they are equally at fault. Because my little one is lonely he will try to get in the older kids way to get attention and be noticed. And because my older kids need space they will try to ask for it and when they don't get it they will be nasty.
Nuggest of wisdom.....shnuggets of wisdom....I've learned everything......and nothing.
In the end. I understand what's underneath it all. I can listen to my children and they will feel heard. I can set up parenting systems where the kids understand what's expected of them, but it doesn't work. Hormones don't listen to wisdom. They don't seek to understand....Hormones just feel really intensely and they don't want to be told to be selfless and love when they don't want to. Hormones don't want be told that I am making dinner, if you could please wait a second because the sauce will seize if I don't stir it for five minutes and then I will help mediate. Hormones will say, "If you don't come and listen to me right now and take my side, you HATE ME!!!!"
So there it is. I'm writing a blog while I'm down....or up....or am I down? I don't know...Dang hormones. Hormones aren't the enemy. I think that right now, I need to stand and believe that my children are not the puberty they are going through. They desparately want me to take sides...but deep down, they don't. They are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. They are supposed to be all over the map. They are supposed to have intense feelings of happiness one minute and rage the next. Their brains aren't old enough to handle the emotions they have. They have become 3 years old all over again. Potty trained this time around.
I just stand back and know.....I can't fix it. That's my job.
When there is a huge fight, I step right in the middle when it gets bad and say, "HEY!!!!!...this (waving of hands around the room).....I can't fix it!!!!" and then I walk out. That's what I do.
I really WANT to write. I've missed you all. I'ts 3am and the cat just meowed to go out so naturally I can't sleep and instead of wasting time on facebook I tried to actually go back to bed. I thought it might make me tired to think of a blog topic. We could talk about helping your kids with food habits...... Building your childs character...... Praying through fear issues..... I have a lot to say about those things. But my five your old won't eat his vegetables. My sweet daughter who once was everyone's friend is now going straight to her bed and crying in jealousy fits. And my son throws himself on the floor mad at himself because he doesn't remember how to fill out the outside of an envelope to send a letter and feels stupid.
I could wait to write when things are going well, when I know how to fix the problem you are having with some wise words from Wendy.... but I can't fix it.
The truth is, hormones have come to my house. You can't fix hormones. You have to surrender to them. Love them. Try to make friends with them.....Sometimes I watch the hormones with a blank stare. I am like Jane Goodall observing the beasts in the wild and taking notes.
It all started about seven months ago. My middle child was the wild card and usually paired up with either my oldest or my youngest to play. This worked well. Of course we had the left out thing with the third party lonely and "they aren't playing with me" talk. I also had quite a bit of the party of two spying on the one left out. That's as nasty as it got.
These days though, my oldest two have paired up in an ongoing alliance and they are venemous toward the youngest. Yes. They have made the switch. The inevitable "I-am-ready-to grow-up-and-stop-hangin-out-with-such-immature-little-magots-such-as-you" phase.
"Victor....stop being so close to me, you are annoying!" -I'm not close to you!
"Yes you are! I'm trying to read and you are touching me!"....-no I'm not!
"Yes you ARE!....you are such a liar!"....I'm not a liar!
"You ARE...You are lying right now and you always lie!"...You're mean Teya!
"Oh it's always my fault, everyone loves you, they think you are so cute and sweet. But you are NOT. You are a Liar and you don't EVER listen. You always get your way!" - I DON'T!!!!
"MOM!!!!...I NEED HELP WITH VICTOR!!!!!!"
And so it goes....almost everyday. Different issue, but it smells the same.
Here's the deal people. When my kids are fighting I don't take the time to figure out who started it and why blah blah blah....just take some space and get over it right? Either no one gets in trouble or they all get in trouble. These days being neutral just isn't cutting it. The older two want Victor to pay in blood. If I do not hold him accountable to his obvious on purpose annoying self then I have sided with the enemy, and I no longer love them and they must stick together because...sniff.... they only have each other. OH YES! They have started walking hand in hand sometimes in public to console each other. I'm sometimes afraid that people in the grocery store will think that I let my 10 year old daughter date because brothers and sisters that age don't hold hands in a lovers lock!
Eventually I figured we all just needed to have a little talk, so I called a family meeting. On the agenda for the evening.....
#1. Change your underwear.
#2. Change your underwear!
#3. CHANGE your UNDERWEAR!!
#4. CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!!!
#5. If you don't start changing your underwear, I'm going to put it up outside so the neighbors can see how gross you are!!!!!
#6.. Let's talk about what's going on between your three.....I'm listening.
We duked it out....yes we did. My mother in law was the witness. She sat quietly doing her puzzle at the kitchen table while everyone shared their feelings and I heard them and Don heard them. Getting the dad involved was my first awesome choice by the way. When you are dealing with hormones you need a back up plan. (You also need an escape plan in case you are not winning. I figure if it gets too bad I might just leave them alone for awhile until it gets so bad they want me back....) Anyway...did I say that out loud? Yes. We duked it out.
Okay so I learned..and was humbled that my parenting techniques worked on babies, but not mature adults like my children.
Oh wait, that's my sarcasm speaking. Let me try again.
What I heard them saying is that they are growing up and they need their space. The old "everyone needs to play together" just isn't what the older two need anymore. I also heard that my younger one is lonely. And sad. And I didn't do my motherly duty and make him a playmate his age. That's my bad. Or....he's going to be lonely for a couple years, and that's okay.
I also learned that the "everyone gets in trouble or no one gets in trouble" technique isn't quite fair anymore. I can't assume that they are equally at fault. Because my little one is lonely he will try to get in the older kids way to get attention and be noticed. And because my older kids need space they will try to ask for it and when they don't get it they will be nasty.
Nuggest of wisdom.....shnuggets of wisdom....I've learned everything......and nothing.
In the end. I understand what's underneath it all. I can listen to my children and they will feel heard. I can set up parenting systems where the kids understand what's expected of them, but it doesn't work. Hormones don't listen to wisdom. They don't seek to understand....Hormones just feel really intensely and they don't want to be told to be selfless and love when they don't want to. Hormones don't want be told that I am making dinner, if you could please wait a second because the sauce will seize if I don't stir it for five minutes and then I will help mediate. Hormones will say, "If you don't come and listen to me right now and take my side, you HATE ME!!!!"
So there it is. I'm writing a blog while I'm down....or up....or am I down? I don't know...Dang hormones. Hormones aren't the enemy. I think that right now, I need to stand and believe that my children are not the puberty they are going through. They desparately want me to take sides...but deep down, they don't. They are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. They are supposed to be all over the map. They are supposed to have intense feelings of happiness one minute and rage the next. Their brains aren't old enough to handle the emotions they have. They have become 3 years old all over again. Potty trained this time around.
I just stand back and know.....I can't fix it. That's my job.
When there is a huge fight, I step right in the middle when it gets bad and say, "HEY!!!!!...this (waving of hands around the room).....I can't fix it!!!!" and then I walk out. That's what I do.
Friday, February 24, 2012
People are more important than things
A friend invited me and my son over to her house one day in the suburbs of Colorado. We walked into the open living room to find a huge home made swing right there in the middle of that living room. It was attached to the ceiling and was pretty impressive if you ask me. Their youngest son was four at the time and he took that swing and brought it over to the couch and used the couch for a better start.
"Wow!" I said, "You have a swing......in the middle of your living room."
"Well you know how Colorado gets in the middle of winter." She said. There was no apology in her voice. Her tone was more, "putting a swing in the middle of your living room is a no brainer!"
This is a frame of mind that I would love to marinate your mind with all day and night until you are changed by it. What would happen if you used your house instead of protected it. What if your house was a refuge, instead of an investment. What if you were creative with your space and made it enough, instead of moving somewhere larger? What would it mean to make your family more important.....than your house?
What if the kitchen table was your art table, and formal dining room so that the dining room could be?............exactly what you needed?
What if the upstairs bathroom window was the perfect angle for a rubber band sniper war? Would you let your kids open it all the way and let the mosquitos in?....just this once?
What if you don't have enough storage space in your kitchen? You could maybe buy less. Make due with less......Do you know how big a kitchen really needs to be? Big enough for daily bread....
Your house was made for you.......you were not made for your house.......
"Wow!" I said, "You have a swing......in the middle of your living room."
"Well you know how Colorado gets in the middle of winter." She said. There was no apology in her voice. Her tone was more, "putting a swing in the middle of your living room is a no brainer!"
This is a frame of mind that I would love to marinate your mind with all day and night until you are changed by it. What would happen if you used your house instead of protected it. What if your house was a refuge, instead of an investment. What if you were creative with your space and made it enough, instead of moving somewhere larger? What would it mean to make your family more important.....than your house?
What if the kitchen table was your art table, and formal dining room so that the dining room could be?............exactly what you needed?
What if the upstairs bathroom window was the perfect angle for a rubber band sniper war? Would you let your kids open it all the way and let the mosquitos in?....just this once?
What if you don't have enough storage space in your kitchen? You could maybe buy less. Make due with less......Do you know how big a kitchen really needs to be? Big enough for daily bread....
Your house was made for you.......you were not made for your house.......
From Fear to Freedom
Every Christian parent has hopes of their child leaving the home for the first time with a solid faith. Maybe the fantasy is imagining their child going off to college and still going to church on Sunday mornings, belonging to a service organization and being a dedicated student. Maybe even being involved in a college group like InterVarsity or Campus Crusade for Christ.
We parents have this dream for our children because we have been changed by receiving the mercy God has for us and we want our children to live a life worthy of the gospel. Maybe even some of us have gone down a path that lead us to a lot of pain and we don't want to see our children do the same thing.
Sometimes along with this pure desire for our children, we lose focus and become insecure and desperate that our children will believe and receive the life we have received. I've noticed it in myself and talked about it with others. May the Lord bless us as we look at this together and be open to laying down our parenting fears.
Let's consider the Bible verse that is going around our church and Christian culture everywhere, "Teach your children the way they should go and they shall never depart from it." (Proverbs 22:4-7)
This is a GREAT passage of scripture. It is right and good. We have taken it seriously and taken ownership of influencing our children. We have maybe even begun family worship and praying together as a family and talking with our children about faith and right and wrong. And we are seeing great fruit with this. Children are praying and making some great decisions to stand up for friends and help the poor.
My husband and I have always been very active in raising up our children in the way they should go. We take advantage of teachable moments and pray together. But as Don and I started raising up our children in the public eye of the church, it became very clear to us that our children were not going to give us a family reputation of "sweet Christian family." About the second year of stepping foot into Bonhomme Presbyterian Church my oldest son was playing tag in the basement with a bunch of youngin's and got caught behind a post and yelled, "SHIT!!!!" Probably every Sunday I have a parent saying, "Simon is punching my child." .....sigh.. Yes yes. I know. But I've TOLD my children the way they should go....why aren't they doing it?!?!?!
Here enters the great insecurity of parenting our children into faith. We start to wonder what other parents think about us and demand perfection in public. We dare to believe that we can make a difference but then at every outburst of our child, we are convinced that we aren't a good mom. Or a good dad. We even panic the biggest what if? What if I take responsibility for my childs faith, and they reject it? I would be sad...disappointed....even embarrassed.
About 2 years ago I realized that every word I was saying to my child was either a reprimand, or advice. The more public our children misbehaved, the more embarrassed I got. The more embarrassed I got, the more I felt I must correct and advise, to raise up my children in the way they should go.
My children would come home from school and I would pounce on them with questions, "How did it go? Did you turn in your homework? Who did you sit with at lunch? Did things with friends go well? Did you write down your homework today?" I didn't ask these questions because I cared about the well being of my child. I was asking these questions because I wanted to make sure my son didn't mess up. And if he DID mess up......I would say things like, "Why didn't you turn in your homework? You need better systems! Who said you were dumb? That makes me so mad! Why don't you get involved in an activity? You need to include that kid, that would be the right thing to do."
One day I was having a "discussion" with my oldest. Which means I was telling him how he was wrong and how he should change his ways and I saw something in his eyes....I saw a longing in him to say something to me. So I asked him, "What?!" in an intimidating voice. And he dared share. He got half way through and I interupted him, "See? That's what I was talking about, you need to assert yourself!" and he said under his breath, "You never listen to me." .... and my ears were opened and I heard him...."you never listen to me....you never listen to me."
Those words hung over my head and I felt like a spoon was dug into my heart.
Those are words that either harden your heart....or change you. Luckily the Holy Spirit can give wisdom and understanding and I needed some. I heard this knowing of Truth in my heart, "Wendy, let go. What are you afraid of? This was a good question.
I was afraid that my children would make dumb choices. I was afraid my children would get bad grades and never go to college. I was afraid my children would get teased in middle school and have pain. I was afraid my children would be known as the bad kids and parents wouldn't want their kids anywhere near my kids........
So I did the very normal thing of trying to protect them....."Let go of them." God said to me. "Let me protect them. YOU teach them the way they should go, and I will tell them the way they should go in their ear."
I wrote out all my fears and then wrote out a Truth prayer that would help me choose faith instead of fear. It helped me believe that God DOES indeed have a plan for my children. A plan for good and not for harm.
The second thing I did was sit in a chair when my children came home from school. And I said nothing. I waited to receive them...whatever they would offer. This was the biggest change and I gave myself a rule that I could not advise or reprimand but only ask listening questions like, "Boy it sounds like you were sad today." or "What a great day!"
I have learned something from doing this. Turns out my kids know the Truth. They either made good choices that day or bad choices....but they know. I don't have to tell them again. They want me to be proud of them, or hold them while they cry on my lap.
There is fruit...My daughter sits and talks with me and my son shares with me now.
I recently got off the phone with a mom who purposefully took her son out of Christian Middle School and now sends her son to public middle school. Why would she do that? The answer was interesting. She said, "Wendy the teachers were giving out assignments and my son was writing essays about the right Christian answer. He was giving the right answer....but does he do it? Does he know it? I wanted him to be around people who believed different. I didn't want Christianity to be the right answer so that he could really make a choice.....
That rings in my ears as well....I want them to make a choice....to make a choice.....
When we beat Truth into their ears with advice and reprimand, they hear the right answer. When we listen to our children and help them think through things, we teach them to make the right choices and know the right answer in their heart.
The hardest day of this was when my son was in fourth grade. We had moved to a new town two years before and he hadn't made any friends....except....the boy that no one else liked. The boy that all the cool kids made fun of. He was in such a dilemma and had such a HUGE choice to make. Do you see the choice?
My son sure knew. He said one day, "Mom, it would be so easy for me to just make fun of (Kevin) and be one of the cool kids. But I like (Kevin).... But if I am friends with (Kevin) then everyone will make fun of me.".........and I listened, and asked questions.
He knew the Biblical choice. But he had to choose. I could not choose this one for him. Suppose I had told him, "Well, Simon, you know what Jesus would do....it says in dotherightthingalonions of:course that we have no choice, you have to befriend (kevin), how would that have made him feel? Trapped? Angry? Sad? Probably not free.
At the end of fourth grade my son came home very very upset. He had crossed over to the cool kid side. He made fun of (kevin). It was the hardest thing to hear that he had done this. In my heart I was screaming, "NO YOU DIDN'T, MY SON DOES NOT DO THAT!" or "You HAVE to apologize to him tomorrow, or you will get a consequence." I simply said, "How did it feel to do that?" and he said, "Awful mom. I am so afraid I ruined our friendship forever."
Yes. That is right. Because God whispers in his ear. God whispers.
"What are you going to do Simon?"
"Nothing mom. Nothing."
Second hardest thing. To not force an apology. I didn't know if that was the right choice. But I didn't. I just said. "Well Simon. You seem to feel bad, and when I feel bad it really feels good to apologize, but you have to decide what you are going to do..." And we prayed about it. That God would guide him.
And he didn't apologize. But he had to sit on that all summer. He had to wonder if (Kevin) would be his friend...if he would have any friends.
When fifth grade started, my Simon came home after the first day peaceful. He had made up with (Kevin) and felt great about it. "I've decided not to be popular mom. I've decided I want to be friends with (Kevin)."
Aaaaaaaaaaa yes. That was worth waiting for.
What great freedom we have to give our children up to the Lord. To Trust that He will be their Holy Spirit for the hard choices only they can make. We will speak Truth to our children and we will reprimand them....but let's not do it out of fear or a desire to control. God will speak value into their hearts...and God will give them special friends.....and God will give them a identity... and God will give them conviction.....and God will.....God will....God will.....God will......
We parents have this dream for our children because we have been changed by receiving the mercy God has for us and we want our children to live a life worthy of the gospel. Maybe even some of us have gone down a path that lead us to a lot of pain and we don't want to see our children do the same thing.
Sometimes along with this pure desire for our children, we lose focus and become insecure and desperate that our children will believe and receive the life we have received. I've noticed it in myself and talked about it with others. May the Lord bless us as we look at this together and be open to laying down our parenting fears.
Let's consider the Bible verse that is going around our church and Christian culture everywhere, "Teach your children the way they should go and they shall never depart from it." (Proverbs 22:4-7)
This is a GREAT passage of scripture. It is right and good. We have taken it seriously and taken ownership of influencing our children. We have maybe even begun family worship and praying together as a family and talking with our children about faith and right and wrong. And we are seeing great fruit with this. Children are praying and making some great decisions to stand up for friends and help the poor.
My husband and I have always been very active in raising up our children in the way they should go. We take advantage of teachable moments and pray together. But as Don and I started raising up our children in the public eye of the church, it became very clear to us that our children were not going to give us a family reputation of "sweet Christian family." About the second year of stepping foot into Bonhomme Presbyterian Church my oldest son was playing tag in the basement with a bunch of youngin's and got caught behind a post and yelled, "SHIT!!!!" Probably every Sunday I have a parent saying, "Simon is punching my child." .....sigh.. Yes yes. I know. But I've TOLD my children the way they should go....why aren't they doing it?!?!?!
Here enters the great insecurity of parenting our children into faith. We start to wonder what other parents think about us and demand perfection in public. We dare to believe that we can make a difference but then at every outburst of our child, we are convinced that we aren't a good mom. Or a good dad. We even panic the biggest what if? What if I take responsibility for my childs faith, and they reject it? I would be sad...disappointed....even embarrassed.
About 2 years ago I realized that every word I was saying to my child was either a reprimand, or advice. The more public our children misbehaved, the more embarrassed I got. The more embarrassed I got, the more I felt I must correct and advise, to raise up my children in the way they should go.
My children would come home from school and I would pounce on them with questions, "How did it go? Did you turn in your homework? Who did you sit with at lunch? Did things with friends go well? Did you write down your homework today?" I didn't ask these questions because I cared about the well being of my child. I was asking these questions because I wanted to make sure my son didn't mess up. And if he DID mess up......I would say things like, "Why didn't you turn in your homework? You need better systems! Who said you were dumb? That makes me so mad! Why don't you get involved in an activity? You need to include that kid, that would be the right thing to do."
One day I was having a "discussion" with my oldest. Which means I was telling him how he was wrong and how he should change his ways and I saw something in his eyes....I saw a longing in him to say something to me. So I asked him, "What?!" in an intimidating voice. And he dared share. He got half way through and I interupted him, "See? That's what I was talking about, you need to assert yourself!" and he said under his breath, "You never listen to me." .... and my ears were opened and I heard him...."you never listen to me....you never listen to me."
Those words hung over my head and I felt like a spoon was dug into my heart.
Those are words that either harden your heart....or change you. Luckily the Holy Spirit can give wisdom and understanding and I needed some. I heard this knowing of Truth in my heart, "Wendy, let go. What are you afraid of? This was a good question.
I was afraid that my children would make dumb choices. I was afraid my children would get bad grades and never go to college. I was afraid my children would get teased in middle school and have pain. I was afraid my children would be known as the bad kids and parents wouldn't want their kids anywhere near my kids........
So I did the very normal thing of trying to protect them....."Let go of them." God said to me. "Let me protect them. YOU teach them the way they should go, and I will tell them the way they should go in their ear."
I wrote out all my fears and then wrote out a Truth prayer that would help me choose faith instead of fear. It helped me believe that God DOES indeed have a plan for my children. A plan for good and not for harm.
The second thing I did was sit in a chair when my children came home from school. And I said nothing. I waited to receive them...whatever they would offer. This was the biggest change and I gave myself a rule that I could not advise or reprimand but only ask listening questions like, "Boy it sounds like you were sad today." or "What a great day!"
I have learned something from doing this. Turns out my kids know the Truth. They either made good choices that day or bad choices....but they know. I don't have to tell them again. They want me to be proud of them, or hold them while they cry on my lap.
There is fruit...My daughter sits and talks with me and my son shares with me now.
I recently got off the phone with a mom who purposefully took her son out of Christian Middle School and now sends her son to public middle school. Why would she do that? The answer was interesting. She said, "Wendy the teachers were giving out assignments and my son was writing essays about the right Christian answer. He was giving the right answer....but does he do it? Does he know it? I wanted him to be around people who believed different. I didn't want Christianity to be the right answer so that he could really make a choice.....
That rings in my ears as well....I want them to make a choice....to make a choice.....
When we beat Truth into their ears with advice and reprimand, they hear the right answer. When we listen to our children and help them think through things, we teach them to make the right choices and know the right answer in their heart.
The hardest day of this was when my son was in fourth grade. We had moved to a new town two years before and he hadn't made any friends....except....the boy that no one else liked. The boy that all the cool kids made fun of. He was in such a dilemma and had such a HUGE choice to make. Do you see the choice?
My son sure knew. He said one day, "Mom, it would be so easy for me to just make fun of (Kevin) and be one of the cool kids. But I like (Kevin).... But if I am friends with (Kevin) then everyone will make fun of me.".........and I listened, and asked questions.
He knew the Biblical choice. But he had to choose. I could not choose this one for him. Suppose I had told him, "Well, Simon, you know what Jesus would do....it says in dotherightthingalonions of:course that we have no choice, you have to befriend (kevin), how would that have made him feel? Trapped? Angry? Sad? Probably not free.
At the end of fourth grade my son came home very very upset. He had crossed over to the cool kid side. He made fun of (kevin). It was the hardest thing to hear that he had done this. In my heart I was screaming, "NO YOU DIDN'T, MY SON DOES NOT DO THAT!" or "You HAVE to apologize to him tomorrow, or you will get a consequence." I simply said, "How did it feel to do that?" and he said, "Awful mom. I am so afraid I ruined our friendship forever."
Yes. That is right. Because God whispers in his ear. God whispers.
"What are you going to do Simon?"
"Nothing mom. Nothing."
Second hardest thing. To not force an apology. I didn't know if that was the right choice. But I didn't. I just said. "Well Simon. You seem to feel bad, and when I feel bad it really feels good to apologize, but you have to decide what you are going to do..." And we prayed about it. That God would guide him.
And he didn't apologize. But he had to sit on that all summer. He had to wonder if (Kevin) would be his friend...if he would have any friends.
When fifth grade started, my Simon came home after the first day peaceful. He had made up with (Kevin) and felt great about it. "I've decided not to be popular mom. I've decided I want to be friends with (Kevin)."
Aaaaaaaaaaa yes. That was worth waiting for.
What great freedom we have to give our children up to the Lord. To Trust that He will be their Holy Spirit for the hard choices only they can make. We will speak Truth to our children and we will reprimand them....but let's not do it out of fear or a desire to control. God will speak value into their hearts...and God will give them special friends.....and God will give them a identity... and God will give them conviction.....and God will.....God will....God will.....God will......
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