So I haven't written in about five months and it's because as I parent I've fallen into this sort of black hole. I usually feel like I have some tricks up my sleeve to logically help my kids through the stage their in. Or at least I mess up really bad and learn from it and then I have something deep and meaningful I need to tell you.
I really WANT to write. I've missed you all. I'ts 3am and the cat just meowed to go out so naturally I can't sleep and instead of wasting time on facebook I tried to actually go back to bed. I thought it might make me tired to think of a blog topic. We could talk about helping your kids with food habits...... Building your childs character...... Praying through fear issues..... I have a lot to say about those things. But my five your old won't eat his vegetables. My sweet daughter who once was everyone's friend is now going straight to her bed and crying in jealousy fits. And my son throws himself on the floor mad at himself because he doesn't remember how to fill out the outside of an envelope to send a letter and feels stupid.
I could wait to write when things are going well, when I know how to fix the problem you are having with some wise words from Wendy.... but I can't fix it.
The truth is, hormones have come to my house. You can't fix hormones. You have to surrender to them. Love them. Try to make friends with them.....Sometimes I watch the hormones with a blank stare. I am like Jane Goodall observing the beasts in the wild and taking notes.
It all started about seven months ago. My middle child was the wild card and usually paired up with either my oldest or my youngest to play. This worked well. Of course we had the left out thing with the third party lonely and "they aren't playing with me" talk. I also had quite a bit of the party of two spying on the one left out. That's as nasty as it got.
These days though, my oldest two have paired up in an ongoing alliance and they are venemous toward the youngest. Yes. They have made the switch. The inevitable "I-am-ready-to grow-up-and-stop-hangin-out-with-such-immature-little-magots-such-as-you" phase.
"Victor....stop being so close to me, you are annoying!" -I'm not close to you!
"Yes you are! I'm trying to read and you are touching me!"....-no I'm not!
"Yes you ARE!....you are such a liar!"....I'm not a liar!
"You ARE...You are lying right now and you always lie!"...You're mean Teya!
"Oh it's always my fault, everyone loves you, they think you are so cute and sweet. But you are NOT. You are a Liar and you don't EVER listen. You always get your way!" - I DON'T!!!!
"MOM!!!!...I NEED HELP WITH VICTOR!!!!!!"
And so it goes....almost everyday. Different issue, but it smells the same.
Here's the deal people. When my kids are fighting I don't take the time to figure out who started it and why blah blah blah....just take some space and get over it right? Either no one gets in trouble or they all get in trouble. These days being neutral just isn't cutting it. The older two want Victor to pay in blood. If I do not hold him accountable to his obvious on purpose annoying self then I have sided with the enemy, and I no longer love them and they must stick together because...sniff.... they only have each other. OH YES! They have started walking hand in hand sometimes in public to console each other. I'm sometimes afraid that people in the grocery store will think that I let my 10 year old daughter date because brothers and sisters that age don't hold hands in a lovers lock!
Eventually I figured we all just needed to have a little talk, so I called a family meeting. On the agenda for the evening.....
#1. Change your underwear.
#2. Change your underwear!
#3. CHANGE your UNDERWEAR!!
#4. CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!!!
#5. If you don't start changing your underwear, I'm going to put it up outside so the neighbors can see how gross you are!!!!!
#6.. Let's talk about what's going on between your three.....I'm listening.
We duked it out....yes we did. My mother in law was the witness. She sat quietly doing her puzzle at the kitchen table while everyone shared their feelings and I heard them and Don heard them. Getting the dad involved was my first awesome choice by the way. When you are dealing with hormones you need a back up plan. (You also need an escape plan in case you are not winning. I figure if it gets too bad I might just leave them alone for awhile until it gets so bad they want me back....) Anyway...did I say that out loud? Yes. We duked it out.
Okay so I learned..and was humbled that my parenting techniques worked on babies, but not mature adults like my children.
Oh wait, that's my sarcasm speaking. Let me try again.
What I heard them saying is that they are growing up and they need their space. The old "everyone needs to play together" just isn't what the older two need anymore. I also heard that my younger one is lonely. And sad. And I didn't do my motherly duty and make him a playmate his age. That's my bad. Or....he's going to be lonely for a couple years, and that's okay.
I also learned that the "everyone gets in trouble or no one gets in trouble" technique isn't quite fair anymore. I can't assume that they are equally at fault. Because my little one is lonely he will try to get in the older kids way to get attention and be noticed. And because my older kids need space they will try to ask for it and when they don't get it they will be nasty.
Nuggest of wisdom.....shnuggets of wisdom....I've learned everything......and nothing.
In the end. I understand what's underneath it all. I can listen to my children and they will feel heard. I can set up parenting systems where the kids understand what's expected of them, but it doesn't work. Hormones don't listen to wisdom. They don't seek to understand....Hormones just feel really intensely and they don't want to be told to be selfless and love when they don't want to. Hormones don't want be told that I am making dinner, if you could please wait a second because the sauce will seize if I don't stir it for five minutes and then I will help mediate. Hormones will say, "If you don't come and listen to me right now and take my side, you HATE ME!!!!"
So there it is. I'm writing a blog while I'm down....or up....or am I down? I don't know...Dang hormones. Hormones aren't the enemy. I think that right now, I need to stand and believe that my children are not the puberty they are going through. They desparately want me to take sides...but deep down, they don't. They are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. They are supposed to be all over the map. They are supposed to have intense feelings of happiness one minute and rage the next. Their brains aren't old enough to handle the emotions they have. They have become 3 years old all over again. Potty trained this time around.
I just stand back and know.....I can't fix it. That's my job.
When there is a huge fight, I step right in the middle when it gets bad and say, "HEY!!!!!...this (waving of hands around the room).....I can't fix it!!!!" and then I walk out. That's what I do.
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