The Secret to Taking Risks

   This morning I went to the YMCA for my first Water Aerobics class and I was nervous because it was my first time and I didn't know anyone.

   I know... ME. Wendy Everts. Nervous to be with people. There's a lot you don't know about me.

   I interrupted some folks talking in the locker room to make sure I was in the right place and right away they asked me if I would go to lunch with them. The class was all going out to lunch and they wanted to make sure I knew about it. I smiled and felt welcomed and, of course, figured that these were the outgoing ladies of the group.

   But then I went to class and the teacher made an announcement and made sure I knew the class was all going out to lunch. "How nice," I thought.

   After the class started, the late comers straggled in.

   All be darned if each of those late women didn't swim over to me and ask if I knew the class was going to lunch. Each one of them.

   Hmmmm... Maybe there is something more than personality that leads these folks to all invite me to their lunch. I've been reflecting since this morning about that.

   Why does this class have a large amount of folks inviting me to lunch? What is their secret? Are they trained in welcoming? Did the teacher ask them to? It's not like the goal of the class is social. I could see the teacher being welcoming, but the ladies in the class? It was above and beyond. It was almost..... alarming. Definitely meaningful and noteworthy... blog worthy.

   I definitely kept thinking about it all day, trying to figure it out. My mind wanted to analyze the generous culture of invitation and make it complicated. I wanted to give it deep psychological meaning. And yet, all day, I kept going back to something a boss once said to me. I worked for him when I was young and impressionable. He had started the business just a year earlier and one day out of the blue he asked me, "Wendy, do you know the secret to staying in business?" I was curious because that seemed like an important secret to know. He answered, "Staying in business."

   I chuckled. That seemed too simple. There were books written about the subject. There were complicated answers to how to stay in business. Maybe it's both. Maybe there is deeper understanding and technique, but also... just simple grit. Stay.

   Maybe it's that simple with these ladies in the pool as well.

   I can't help but think fondly about our church and all the wonderful people that already have a heart to greet folks they don't know. But as usual, I long for more. I long for our church and any church for that matter to be FILLED with people that look for the person sitting alone, and the newcomer.

   There is a reason Jesus said, "Go and make disciples!" Jesus knew that we had to have an invitation to build something. On our own we would be with the same safe people, the people we know and trust. Before and after church someone has to be the first to say, "Hey, instead of talking together, let's go find people we don't know! Let's create something bigger than ourselves!"

   Who is going to do that? The answer I always hear? Wendy. Wendy will do it because she's really good at it. She's natural at it and she likes it. That's just who she is...

   You all don't know me very well.
    Truth - I am an extrovert. I process aloud and with people.
    Truth - I do love a good party.
    Truth - I am warm and make people feel safe.
    False - It is natural for me to go up to people I don't know and talk to them.

    Truth is, before I go talk to someone new I am nervous and insecure that they will think I am weird. Truth is, because I am uninhibited I DO say things that are weird. Truth is, when I go to church I am surrounded by my besties and I want nothing more than to sit with all of them and hear their news, and their struggles and their heart. Truth is, when I say hello to new people and meet them I wonder if I am promising friendship with them that I can't fill. Truth is, welcoming new people has ALWAYS been a choice. I choose it. I do it because I long to see growth and change more than I want my comfort.

   The secret to taking risks.... is taking risks. That's all.

   If you wait to be like your role model before you do something, then you will always stay the same. To become like the person you admire, you have to do things that are uncomfortable. You have to put yourself in the vulnerable place of looking stupid.

     To risk looking stupid we have to really care about what we are building. Back in high school I was preoccupied with getting a boyfriend. That was pretty clear. But now, it's not hidden by anyone that I love to build the Kingdom of God. Back when I was trying to get a boyfriend I was SO willing to feel silly for that cause because of what I might gain in the end. But now, I have to constantly remember that when I welcome the newcomer, at the very least, they gain community. But in the end they just might seek prayer and healing and break free from the life of bondage that they are in. It's WORTH IT!

       No one welcomes new people without risk... even extroverts.

       Most recently there was a woman at church that I distinctly remember greeting a couple years ago. She didn't receive me warmly so I backed off a bit and continued to be kind and let her be. Then a couple months ago we bumped into each other and she opened up to me about that first time we had met. She said, "Wow, you are actually quite pleasant after all.... when I first met you, you seemed kind of hyper and I really didn't like you." I laughed.

       This one time when I was a missionary to the college campus at CU Boulder I was hanging out with a group of students that I wanted to build relationship with so I could invite them to a Bible Study I was leading. They were talking about carving pumpkins together later that evening and I thought that sounded fun so I said, "Where are you guys carving pumpkins.. Can I come?" They agreed. It wasn't a resounding yes, but it wasn't forced either. I asked them if I should bring my own pumpkin and they answered, "No, that's okay, just come."
      I arrived at the dorms a little late where they were hanging out and I went to the room that they were in. The room was dimly lit, and there were candles everywhere surrounding them. Interestingly, I didn't notice how when they were talking earlier that there were exactly two boys and two girls. I didn't notice them flirting with each other.... but I sure did notice when I walked in the room that there were exactly two pumpkins. One for each couple. None for me. I had invited myself to a double date folks. I did. Now, any normal person would've made up an excuse for why they couldn't stay and gotten the heck out of there. Not me. I just sort of plunked myself down and tried to make lemons into lemonade. Most... awkward... night... of my life folks. I spent two hours painfully watching them flirt an carve pumpkins.

      This other time, Don and I lived next to an apartment full of college freshmen. Don and I were always nice to our neighbors. We would be welcoming and knock on their door and give them treats.
After living next to them for almost 8 months our doors were open on a sunny day and I could hear them playing video games so I thought I would kill time by asking if I could play too. I walked over and put myself out there, "Hey can I play? I love video games and we don't have any at our house." Wow... can I play? That was a money start. I sat there and watched them play. I hinted that I would really like to play too but they never really gave me the controls. After about 15 minutes the other housemates came home after their classes and they shut the door so they could smoke weed. There I was, sitting in a cloud of pot smoke with a bunch of freshmen boys watching them play video games. Don learned a long time ago that when he asked the question, "What did you do today?" he never really knew what the answer was going to be.

      So there it is. You live the life you value and you build what you live. You are building something. My guess is that you if you decided to say hello to one person sitting alone or invited a new person to go to lunch with your normal crew, you might actually be BETTER at it than I was in the beginning. You probably won't even end up on a double date OR in a room full of college boys smoking pot. You will probably have the same moments of discomfort that I still have and unfortunately there is no training for how to get over this. The secret to being welcoming, is to be welcoming.

   Sorry I can't be more genius than that.
      

     

   

  



  
 

  

  

Food Budget Challenge

     I don't have a pantry.  Not because I have a small house but because when I pray the Lord's prayer I want to say, "Give me this day, my daily bread..." and mean it. Sometimes I buy for the week. But when my food is gone... it's gone. At least, that's what it feels like. I do have odds and ends, I have little bags of rice that are half used and just MAYBE they are buggy. You never know until you look.
     When the cereal is out, there aren't five boxes in the garage. I don't have a Costco membership.

     So when I told my daughter that I was giving her the cash that I use for a weeks worth of groceries so that they could be in charge of buying the food for the week, it was risky. Risky because if she didn't do it right, we were screwed. There was nothing to fall back on. No cans of beans, pineapple, or dry milk, or box mac-n-cheese. No extra bags of chips or cans of salsa. No popcorn waiting to be popped. There are no granola bars in my cupboard. None. There aren't any sodas or bottled water. And with that reality, I willingly handed my daughter all the cash that I had in my budget for food this week so that she could buy food for us. She didn't have to cook it. Just plan meals, and buy it.

     Looking back, it wasn't as hard as I thought  to give her the money. I was surprised by my confidence in my daughter. One of the things I have always done is bring her to the grocery store and explain my choices and why I buy things. When I cook dinner at home I help her see what I throw in the pot. And every year for our anniversary, my husband cooks me dinner with the kids and they never use a recipe. She has had practice. My personal challenge wasn't giving my daughter the cash, my personal challenge is right now, during the middle. It's right now that I am forced to see my parenting clearly.

     I didn't start writing and reflecting until day 3 of this budget challenge and I am in the middle of some pretty intense character growth. I am living in the consequences of believing it's worth it to give my daughter that money... I am sitting here on the third night of eating what my daughter has been buying on our budget and thought it was worth reflecting every day so that you could know what I am learning as a parent. And maybe, you would risk it too so that you could teach your children and learn the same things, or different things that I'm learning. Maybe, just maybe, you will be hungry on the third day because your children aren't buying enough. Or maybe you will be constipated because all you are eating is carbs. The question is, what are you willing to do, so that your children will grow?

1st day: Looking back to Sunday
     If your kid is going to have cash for the week to buy food for the family, you have to prepare on Saturday... at LEAST. You have to teach them how to look through the cupboards, and fridge to see what you DO have. You have to teach them how to see those things as ingredients for something that could actually feed you and make you full. You have to give them a vision for the three meals in the day and look ahead. Shop for a couple days at a time, maybe. You have to teach them how to buy three BIG ingredients that can be used for three different things.
    The good news is that I had shopped last Friday and we already had enough food for breakfast and lunch for that first day. That would save her money. More good news is that we were invited to someone's house for dinner and they requested that we bring corn over as our contribution for dinner. 9 ears of corn.... = 3 dollars. I admit, I was relieved that my daughter was only spending 3 dollars on Sunday. 32 dollars UNDER budget to spend during the rest of the week. Ah.... wonderful. This was easier than I thought!

2nd day: Looking back to Monday
    We still had enough eggs, milk, bread and cheese. There was tuna in the cupboards and lettuce and pickles, and fruit. There were gogurts in the freezer, cheese sticks.. I took my daughter to the store for the first time to buy two dinners and lunch for one day. I started to worry. She didn't plan for snacks, and she only wanted a main dish, nothing extra. Since I was in charge of actually cooking the food I KNEW that I could pull it off. I could look in the fridge and find some things to stretch it out. I could make it work so that we all got full. There were enough yogurts in the freezer, and cheese sticks still. There were chips from the week before.

      The choice I made as a parent was to GIVE my daughter the money in our budget. I called it her money. I told her that whatever was left she could keep, and I also told her that it was all we had and when it was gone, there wasn't anything else we could use for food. I wanted her to FEEL the responsibility. I wanted her to feel the sacrifice of giving. If she was spending my money then the decisions of buying wouldn't be so costly. I wanted her to feel as though she was responsible for providing food for us. I wanted her to fully deal with her character.

     On day 2, I realized that I would have to deal with MY character. My daughter's grocery list was not the grocery list that I would've chosen for day 3. I had to face the question, "Who am I when I don't get to decide what to eat?" I had to face the question, "Who am I when I know I have five people coming over the next day, and I don't get to offer them the food that I would by, but the food my daughter is buying?"
      Was I willing to risk being hungry so that she could learn? Was I willing to trust her that she would buy food for me if I told her I was hungry? Or would my daughter say no because in the end she wanted to save the money I gave her. Was I willing to put aside my pride when people came over and offer them food like I was the one that bought it? Would I be on my daughters team?
      Then there were the boys. I know what they like to eat. I sort of rely on having that food around so that they can be happy and not complain. What if they complained all day because they didn't like their sisters food? Was I willing to let my day be full of negative interactions so that my daughter could learn generosity and hospitality?
      I decided I was willing. But then again. It's easy to say yes to being uncomfortable when it is for the next day and you aren't living it yet.


3rd day: Tuesday, this morning, a current reflection.
      This is the day that I had predicted, all the food ran out from the week before. The milk, eggs, fruit, cheese sticks, gogurts, and chips..... all the stuff that I had bought for the day to day the Friday before. BIG REALIZATION of today. Now my daughter is really in charge.
     The boys had been fighting all day. There were other things going on, but one thing I know is that when they are hungry, they fight. My first instinct was to feed them. If the boys are fighting then feed them to see if that works. But I wasn't in charge of what we had in the house. I wanted so much to at least have a cushion of food to try to give them to see if that would help. But I didn't have it. I had to endure fighting because I wasn't in charge. I wasn't in charge of buying food. Who knows if that was the issue today. They never complained about being hungry. They never complained about their sisters food. I was really proud of the boys for that. I wonder if they are feeling compassion for her, or if  they just don't need anything different than she is giving them. Maybe she is giving them enough food and I am struggling because I want to fix their fighting and I can't.
      I am the one that is struggling, not them. We have enough food. The boys are fighting and I hate it. I am the one that doesn't have the comfort of offering them a quick fix....sigh.
 
      After dinner, I was faced with a dilemma. My youngest was going to water polo camp. He was about to swim for 1 1/2 hours and he needed protein. Do I ask my daughter to buy it for them? Yes. Yes, that's right. She needs help. She has never done this before. She doesn't know how much to buy us unless I help her. But it's still her choice. I present her the need and then trust that she will do the right thing. I need to assume the best in her. I need to assume she can do it.

    We went shopping. I found myself following her in the grocery store aching for food. I remember looking at the strawberries drooling for them. I found myself wanting to say, "Will you buy me these strawberries?" and then thinking, "She'll just say no! don't ask." I felt myself desiring cheese like I had never desired cheese before. It was like thousands of sirens singing the song of my heart. "Wendy come and buy me and I will show you how to live!!!" and yet, that cheese was so far away from me. I wasn't in charge. I could make no decisions at that grocery store. My yearnings were in the hands of my daughter. I wondered if this is how we get callous and stop asking God for things in prayer. We are SO used to no. We ask, and we don't get. We start to feel like life is about discipline and taking away desire so we aren't disappointed.
     It had been so long since I remembered what it was like to go to the store with my mom. I would ask her for twinkies and be so excited if she said yes! I found myself following my daughter and thinking, "Maybe she will look at me and ask me if I want a treat!"

      She bought plenty of food. She bought the right food.  She did well. I did not. Tonight I felt how tempting it is to use treats in life to make the day to day more interesting. Being a mom can be so boring and the life of service can make me feel so unimportant. Buying what I want makes me feel like I am in charge of something. Having food to fall back on makes me feel in control. There are certain foods that I like to offer people when they come over so that I can have a certain image. And tonight I felt how deeply I expect a no answer when I ask for things. I felt how quickly I cut off my desire and stop hoping. I need to be someone who asks. I need to rekindle my flame for hope that God really will lavishly give and give quickly.

     So tomorrow God, I give you control. You be the Holy Spirit in my daughter. I will listen and be honest and guide her. Will you help her be generous? Will you help me assume the best and be pastoral as she learns? I want to ask you for more things in my prayer life. I want to assume that you will give me good things. Help me be brave and not shut of the yearnings and desires in my heart. In Jesus name......

4th day: Wednesday
     The coffee ran out!.... SHIT!!!!
     Okay. Now it's on. There I am. Should I ask for more coffee? I need to think about it.
     I don't even drink regular coffee. I drink decaf....but again. It's about the treats, and the familiar. I probably won't have a headache that I didn't drink it. I did have about an inch in the bottom of my cup that I could find in the pot. So I did get a little.
     Today we have lots of familiar food. I get to boil a couple rotisserie chickens to make soup and a casserole for us and our friends that had a baby.
     As I reflect here today I am thinking that in the beginning the risk seemed about whether or not we would eat well. But the real risk for me right now seems more clearly that I would have to look my parenting in the face. And I would also have to look my daughter in the face. I would see her more clearly as well. How does she do under pressure? How does she deal with responsibility? Will she be generous?
     I have been watching her all day. Is this too much for her? Did I put too much on her?
     She seems fine.
     When people come over she offers them what we have. The people who come over don't seem to care what we have or don't have.
     A friend came over for dinner tonight and didn't want what we had for dinner. We had nothing extra to offer. I was outwardly confident, and inwardly stressed. My daughter however, never bat an eye. Who is my daughter that this is not a "deal" for her? Why is it that she just isn't stressed?
     At the end of the day today my 8 year old who is signed up to do the budget challenge and buy food for our family only one day this summer said, "I changed my mind.... I want to do a whole week!"
     I said, "Alright." but who is my son that he thinks he can do this? Has my daughter made it look fun and easy? I thought this would be hard for them!
     Maybe the question isn't, who are my daughter and son.... maybe the question is....
    What is food?

5th day: Thursday
     I am asking that question this morning a little more. What is food? How much weight have I given it? I think this challenge is easier for my children because they just don't care about food as much as I do. They don't go to someone's house and respect them more because they have presented an awesome spread of food. They don't eat when they are bored. And they don't need variety. They just want to eat!!! Eating is not connected to image or value. Eating is still just eating. Kids are used to not being in control of what kind of foods are in the house and when they have control, it's not like they are just PINING for a really expensive prime rib.
 
     So when my daughter goes to the grocery store, she just buys food plain and simple, and when they are hungry they eat it. Sometimes they eat for recreation, but mostly they eat when they are hungry. I remember now as I write this what it was like for me to watch the boys devour the nachos yesterday. I remember thinking that I wasn't hungry at all, but I better eat a small plate, because there probably wouldn't be any left after they got done, and I wasn't sure if there would be more soon....
   
      I think when it comes down to it, the question is.... do I trust my daughter to feed me? Also another question this morning is... do I break my commitment to caffeine and drink the coffee that I offer my guests so that I can have comfort?.... I will struggle with that a little before I decide.

      No... we have tea. I will drink tea this morning.
   
      I started feeling happy this morning that I only had 3 more days left, and then I remembered that on Sunday I am giving our family budget money to my 14 year old son.... I think it's best to stop thinking about that.

     Today we went to the store and I watched my daughter be a big girl. Then on the way home we talked about all the things she is learning. Those are hers to share but I was even more proud of her. I was able to share some of these things with her. How it's been hard to give up control and not eat the things I usually eat so she could learn.

6th day: Friday
    I felt weepy all day today. I don't know why. I felt incredibly proud of my daughter maybe that's why. Maybe it's because what I've done is sort of like a fast, and all the things that I use for comfort are gone, and I am just left with myself.
   We had to go to the store probably one last time... I watched as all three of my children worked together to buy dinner and food for the next day. They were doing the math together. They went to self check out and they helped bring the groceries to the car. When we came home they all brought the groceries in and I didn't even have to ask.
    Then were all talking about how much things cost on the way home and how much it means to them when we spend the money to go to the movie theater, or when we go to six flags. That seems like so much money to them now.
     I announced that the next day, the last day, we would have an awards ceremony to celebrate her big girl accomplishment. I think that is important. I think it's good for her to know the things that she did well. I think it's good for her that we acknowledge that we asked her to do something hard.

7th day: Saturday
     So it's the last day.
     I don't even want to eat breakfast. It seems so boring now, food.
     So unimportant.
     What seems really important is how we love each other today. I am really sad that some day my kids won't need me. Maybe that's why I felt like crying yesterday. I may have been experiencing the birth panes of an empty nest. I saw clearly this week that my daughter is capable of adult things. She is capable of taking care of herself. Maybe I didn't like that so much. Maybe we all try to baby our children a little bit so that they will always want to come back?
     Maybe.
     I do know this. Tomorrow I will hand my 14 year old the cash for the week, so my raw emotions won't just end. Maybe I'll be crying for different reasons!!!     


    

I move mountains.

      I am feeling powerful. Not because I AM powerful but because I know powerful things. You might think I am being a little sassy in this blog, but stay with me. I need to say it how I say it.
      My mind has been stirring around with something these days.
      By these days I mean a life time actually. There is something that just hasn't sat well with me. That something is the phrase..... "You are going through this so that you can help people." Or..... "Think about how much stronger you are because you went through that."

      I have always wanted MORE.
      Allow me to put you in my shoes for a minute. I was a little girl who had a daddy with schizophrenia. I wanted a dad that was emotionally available to me. I was grieving that and mourning that. I wanted to have a stable life where I could know that my dad was predictable and safe, but instead I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him sleeping in the hallway. I wanted to be able to have sleep overs at my house like other kids and not have them be afraid to come to my house. If you allow me to be sarcastic for a moment, when I was a little girl, hearing the statement, "You are going through this so that you can help people" was like having someone say, "You almost died in that earthquake, now instead of having abundance and thriving, you were meant to live where there are earthquakes and pull people out and have more trauma. You were meant to live in pain."

   I have always wanted MORE.
   When I went to college and found faith I realized that I could have a higher calling in helping people. Helping people wasn't just getting through dark trauma and then entering into other's dark trauma. I could enter into their dark and facilitate them entering into the light! I had found joy in pulling people out of the rubble of earthquakes. I have been drawn to a life of diving back into earthquakes and listening and helping people because they do get healed! How wonderful! When people ask me, what do you do Wendy? I have answered that I am sort of a Spiritual ER doctor. But being an ER doctor, though rewarding and wonderful as it is, I could do it all day actually I love it so much, there is still something unsettling.

   ...... I still want MORE!!!
   These passed five years I have felt like there is something brewing in me. I have been drawn to read the passage of Jesus calling the disciples to him on the mountainside. There he gives them authority to preach and call out demons. Those who know me well have heard me struggle with that word authority. How does one get that? I have wanted that kind of authority. I have questioned God in my prayer times... Do you give it to me God? or do I step into it? Then the thought clicked in my brain this week. What if I wasn't only meant to go back into the earthquake to pull people out. What if I wasn't only meant to bring light to those in the darkness of the earthquake..... what if I was meant to say to the earthquake, "STOP!!!" and it would stop?

      I was meant to move mountains!!!
      This last week I was healed of something that brought me new freedom and I felt like telling people about it. I felt like shouting it from the mountain tops. I wasn't just drawn to tell people about the healing, I was drawn to tell people about what God is capable of if we just asked Him. In my times of prayer with people I found myself praying with more of a "knowing" or authority that God would do what I asked him to do, because he did it for me. Then it clicked. All those times of struggle I have had to plead with God through layers and layers of hurt, spiritual oppression and sin. Every time that He has pulled me out of some pit, I have given a nugget of Spiritual Authority. Every time I am healed I gain more clarity about what is true about the world, God and God's power.

      I CAN move mountains!!!!
      When you know the power of God then you walk with that authority in you. You walk in believing and knowing, and you feel powerful. I don't think you have to go through trauma to get that but if I did, then I don't care. I love what I know. I love knowing God and what He is capable of, and I love telling you. Do you want to know what is possible and what is true?  

      If God calls you to something he WILL equip you and enable you to do the work.
     
      If you are bent with fear, anger, unforgiveness, or any other oppressive struggle, ask God and He WILL bring you to freedom. Plead with Him like you are knocking on his face. Day and night if you have to. Stay in the game and there WILL be release.
     
      Surrender is the only way to change. You can't try harder. It won't work. You can't just try to be a better person. You have to open your hands and tell God exactly who you are.... and surrender to mercy. Bend your ear to His love for you in the place that you are in... THAT will change you!!

      Hear this..... you are capable of anything.... even evil if you are in a desperate, vulnerable place long enough. So guard yourself. Guard your marriage. Even the best of marriages is capable of one of you having an affair if you do not guard your time for each other and take your vows seriously.
      Hear this...... God WILL redeem your life if you've already made choices in that vulnerable place. If you ask Him, He WILL bring people into your life and resources that can help you.

     And finally.....
     It is not true that there are only a very few special people that have a B-line to God. YOU have a B-line to God. The problem isn't that God plays favorites.... the problem is that you don't believe so you leave the praying up to the prayer warriors and the people who are willing to take the leap of faith and speak and ask. YOU speak too. YOU ask. YOU plead along with me and you will find that you also will be able to move mountains.   

       IT IS REALLY TRUE!!!!!!

     
            
  


      

Am I suffering well?

    This is meant to be a simple Lenten reflection. I think it is good to take note and reflect on how it is going to lay our lives down. This last week, there have been three stories, one movie, one book, and one from scripture that has struck me. You know I like to go deep!

   BEAST MODE
   The other day our family was watching a movie and it was a harsh movie about a father who lived on an island that was prone to flooding. He had a little girl about 5 or 6, and she often had to fend for herself. They lived off the land and life was tough. In one of the scenes, the girl was starving and her father was missing. When he finally came back she was defending herself, throwing things, and burning down their house.
   It was clear in the story that the girl's father refused to leave the island. He was stubborn when people wanted to help him. He never told his daughter his feelings and often told her not to cry.
   At one point when the little girl was fending for herself and being brave my son said, "Beast Mode!" I thought about that phrase. It reminded me of a video game when the characters are put in a battle situation and you press "B" and it turns your character into a bigger character with super powers to kill the bad guy. The little girl in the movie had turned on her "beast mode" of life to try to make it through.
   At the end of the movie, the main characters had to reckon with their choices. They were suffering because of "self sabotage." I'm sure you've heard of that? The were living in a land that wasn't thriving. They were choosing friends that drank a lot and made bad choices. They were saying no to invitations that would help them and bring them life. To make it through, they were entering into Beast Mode. They were yelling a lot. They were defending their choices and calling other people, stupid. They felt misunderstood. People tried to help them, and they dug their heals harder into their sad life and refused to change. They were hard hearted..... Beast Mode.


   IS THIS ALL YOU GOT!?
   We just got back from a family road trip. When we travel for long distances, we like to listen to books on tape. This last time we listened to a book about a boy that gets stranded in the wilderness from a plane crash. He is a victim.
   The boy has a hard two months figuring out shelter and how to eat. As a family we spent 5 hours listening to the story of hardship and victory. Learning, and failing. Just when the boy seems to figure out how to survive he gets attacked by an animal and hit hard by a tornado. There was a part of me listening to the story that was so angry. He just figured out how to live in his circumstances and then he gets knocked down! It was a true story of inspiration because the boy was a true victim and our whole family was pulling for him. In the end, the boy figures out that he is going to live from the attack and from the tornado and he yells at nature, "IS THIS ALL YOU GOT!!!??"
   That line struck me. Sometimes we fear the worst, and then when we survive it, and realize we are going to be okay, we feel invincible.


   NOT MY WILL, BUT YOURS BE DONE
   And then, of course, for Lent I have been thinking about the scene in the Garden, where Jesus sweats blood. He asks the Lord to take away His circumstances and struggles and prays. In the end, He is brave enough to surrender, "Not my will but yours be done, Father." I am so struck by the fact that Jesus lives for a greater purpose and walks willingly toward his own death.
   I had a friend ask me about 20 years ago, "What kind of God would kill sheep to atone for His people?" and I responded, "What kind of God would kill His son to atone for His people?" in the end, I couldn't defend God but just ask an even deeper, more disheartening question.
   And even today I ask, "What kind of God would then turn around and ask His followers to go with him and die to self daily?"
   This is a Holy suffering. A suffering of choice.

   Maybe after reading these three things, you have your own thoughts and reflections. If you want to stop reading, feel free. But I'll tell you where my brain has been going. I'll tell you the questions I've been asking if you want to know.

- What are specific ways that God has asked me to lay my life down for other people?
- Am I choosing to duke it out with God when I feel lonely and can't go on?
- Where in my life do I believe I don't deserve good things, and reject good invitations?
- When do I get angry and enter into Beast Mode and blame my suffering on other people?
- Where am I suffering in my life because of bad choices I have made?
- What are things in my life that I can't control, where I am a true victim, where am I fighting?
- How am I sharing about my life? Which of these 3 ways of suffering does my sharing reflect?

   As I think about these things an analogy comes to mind. Where am I pouring water on myself and complaining that I'm cold and wet. Where am I getting water poured on me and I'm honestly fighting to be dry? And where am I getting in the water so that I can walk alongside others and help pull them out of the cold and wet? And finally, if I choose to get in the water with people am I blaming them or angry at them that I'm wet? Or am I getting wet with love and compassion and focusing on Jesus who is also in the water.
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

10 Life Changing Conversations.....

   I've had more than 10 conversations in my life. These just happened to be the ones that made me think, "WOAH THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!!" It's amazing what just one sentence will do. Let's go ahead and get started.

1. I have a very good friend in Colorado who is the kind of person that people go to when they are in a pinch financially. She said that in her life she had been asked by friends if they could borrow a couple thousand dollars and pay her back.
   I was pretty floored by this news. As a missionary, I couldn't fathom having thousands of dollars extra, and I couldn't fathom being asked by friends if they could borrow it. I was so curious and asked her, "What did you do? Did you lend them the money?" Her answer rocked my world, "No I don't lend them any money. I give it to them."
   I don't remember the next part word for word, but she said that she learned a long time ago that when any friend asked to borrow money it was never worth ruining the friendship to expect that money back. She felt that if she said yes, then she needed to be ready to give it freely and not expect anything in return. If she couldn't do that, then she didn't say yes to that friend.
  
   This conversation happened about 10 years ago, but it is the foundation in which I can live in community freely no matter how big the sum. I never lend money... I give it. Thank you Susan White for leading me to freedom.

2.  When I was in college I had one friend who heard me say critical things about other people over and over and one time she interrupted me and said, "Hey Wendy stop. Instead of deciding that people are right or wrong, why don't you just decide not to do it that way?"'
   That one sentence set me on a trajectory to become more self aware and understanding. There is a big difference between needing mercy and just having a different way of doing something. Along the same lines I had another friend that taught me to "Always assume the best in people first. Even if they are doing something that hurts you." When mercy is needed, we can still approach with assuming the best.
   Thank you Sue Mills and Scott Anderson for leading me to freedom.

3. It's not a secret that my first year of marriage was hard. I will talk about it with anyone. Don was very careful with his words, I was Lackadaisical. (I am using that word to flirt with him in case he reads my blog). He hated it when I was careless about my words, and I hated it when he corrected me. Instead of seeing clearly that words were important to him and that it had nothing to do with me, I would get defensive and mad and accuse him of thinking I was stupid.
   One day, after accusing him just one too many times that he thought I was stupid he burst and said, "No I don't think you are stupid Wendy, you think you are stupid, or it wouldn't bother you so much!!!"
   That sent me into a time of anger and reflection that would change me forever. I got in touch with my true opinion of myself and you know what? He was right. His willingness to speak Truth, changed me forever. I am NOT stupid. Go ahead and correct me now. It's not about me anymore.
   Thank you Don Everts for leading me to freedom.

4. Kids have a way of innocently convicting you without even trying. My oldest son came home from Kindergarten with a new saying that he told me after I was whining about how little space we had in our Colorado home. "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit mom!"
   It's a saying that most school kids learn when the teacher passes out snack. They don't want them fighting over the color or the flavor, they just want them to be thankful with what they have. Funny how that saying sticks with them and they repeat it even in high school. We still say it at our house when we whine over something like I'm sure most of you do too. It's a pretty common saying.
   I'd like to think that I'm a content and thankful person. You just never know when you lack it until your kids hold you accountable.
   Thanks Simon and Teya and Victor for leading me to freedom.

5. My grade school counselor was big and tall and his name was Mr. Valentine.
   Fifth grade was the year that Mr. Valentine came in to give us a little pep talk about growing up. I sat wide eyes at his wisdom. He said things that I had never heard before. Probably my mom would say she had told those things to me every day but when Mr. Valentine said it I listened.
   His point was that there is trauma in our lives that we don't choose, but there are lots of things in life that no one makes us do, or be, WE GET TO CHOOSE!!! We get to choose our attitude. We get to choose how we will act at home and at school. We get to choose to be good students or bad students.
   My head was spinning from that afternoon. It was the first time in my life that I asked the question, "Who is Wendy? Who do I want to be?" This is probably important for everyone, but especially good timing for me. Having a dad with Schizophrenia there were so many things in life that I felt I didn't get to choose. I think that I had the weight of victim on my shoulders. Understanding that I actually had many things that I DID get to choose changed my life.
   Thank you Mr. Valentine for leading me to freedom.

6. Perhaps the next natural conversation following #5 would be my mom. There were a lot of days that my dad would do something weird but normal for him. We would get phone calls from people about something dad did that needed to be "fixed" by mom. Money that he spend out of paranoia, or sleeping in the hallway to protect us from the people that were "coming for us." Our special saying between me and my mom that we repeat to this day is... "We're going to be okay. It's just getting there."
   Sometimes sayings don't mean much, but this saying lifted us because it reminded us of the Truth that we WERE going to be fine. It kept us from falling into despair and hopelessness. It also helped us support each other when we were down. When I feel stuck to this day, I still say this to my mom, and she still says it to me. Speaking truth to ourselves and each other fights the lies and changes us.
   Thank you Lois Yale for leading me to freedom.

7.  One of the walls I put up way back when I was a junior in High School was to not cry in front of my family. When you grow up in trauma that is a natural thing to do. When you get tired of being hurt, you protect yourself.
   The year I moved to Missouri I lost three beloved family members. The first one was my Grandpa Ed on my mom's side. I can remember getting the phone call that he died and I felt doomed that I would have to cry in front of my mom when I went back home. That very night I walked into church for a function and I bypassed everyone and went to cry in a room all by myself. When I came out a woman looked at me and was filled with the Holy Spirit and received a prophetic word. She put her hands around my face and said, "You are NOT a child of the enemy, you are a child of GOD. You need to lay down your fears and walk in freedom!"
   At the time I was overwhelmed with the truth of that but I wasn't ready to live it out. I told her thank you and I would consider her words. I went home to mourn my loss and decided to choose to be brave and vulnerable. When my mom picked me up from the airport I said right away, "Mom. I need you to know that it's hard for me to cry in front of you, but I'm going to do it this weekend. I just needed to say that."
   Saying those words to my mom felt brave. I remember having a weekend free from holding myself in. I was able to let go and let my grandpa go too.
   Thank you LaCretia Neunreiter for leading me to freedom.

8. That leads me to the next one which is the realization that we actually take vows that keep us from living the life we were meant to live.
    When I lived in Boulder a friend of mine shared with me that they had discovered through prayer that they had taken a vow early in life that they would never ask for help. That vow was lived out through a life of independence. Not a good vow when you are in ministry. Asking for help is the way missionaries raise their budget, and get volunteers... My friend said that when she and her husband discovered this vow, they confessed it and the walls came down and they were leading a whole new life of freedom.
   I was amazed at this and asked God, "If I have taken an unhealthy vow, will you please reveal it to me?" A couple years ago I was sitting in spiritual direction and I was talking about the time that my grandpa died and I realized that not wanting to cry in front of my family was a product of a vow I had taken long ago, "I will never let anyone affect me and give me pain, ever again."
   I won't go into detail about how this vow affected me. You could ask my friends in High School and College though. They know. I have pushed a lot of people away.
   I have confessed this vow and asked God to heal these places in my heart. I am able to feel deep love and affection now and it sometimes scares me. Thank you Connie Anderson for leading me to freedom.

9.  Number nine isn't a conversation I had but a movie I watched about Mother Teresa. The documentary of Mother Teresa should not be watched unless you are willing to have your world turned upside down.
   I heard many words from Mother Teresa during that Documentary but one sentence she said stuck out at me and has changed me forever. She said, "Do you know how I have come to pick up 40,000 poorest of the poor and dying people? One at a time." Then she described the first person she picked up off the streets. They asked her why she was doing it and she said, "Because I love you."
   Her challenge wasn't to change the world starting with 40,000 people. Her challenge was to ask the Lord where we called to make a difference and then start with one. Live our life one at a time and see where the Lord leads you.
   That video led me to pray to the Lord, "Make me like Mother Teresa. I want to be like her." I haven't picked up 40,000 people but my prayers are different. Instead of asking God to fill my selfish desires, I now ask for sacrifice and ways to lay my life down. I ask for God to give me strength for the journey and for enough mercy for me and for those around me. Use me Lord, use me!!!
   Thank you Mother Teresa for leading me to freedom.

10. The last thing I will share comes from my sweet dad. The man riddled with paranoia. Sometimes now I wonder if that man was more sane than we knew. There were so many things that he spoke of that we shook our heads and said, "tsk tsk dad, those are the thoughts that are not reality. Those aren't real." Looking back though, I can see how God broke through with Truth amidst the crazy.
   He was notorious for thinking he was Jesus, God, and Adam. And yet, when there was an altar call at church, he knew EXACTLY who the real Jesus was and what He did for my dad on the cross.
   I would often get calls at 5am from my dad because he was thinking all night and he couldn't wait to tell me something. Do you know what he called and told me most often? "Wendy. There is a crises coming. You need to stand firm in your faith. Promise me you will stand firm in your faith?" I would always shake my head in sadness that the paranoia had kept him up all night and agreed, "Yes, of course dad. I will." And he would relax. Every time I met with my dad the five years before he died, he would always make me promise to stand firm in my faith before we parted.
   Now, five years after dads death, I can look at those words with clarity apart from the crazy. He understood so clearly even through paranoia that THE most important response to crises is to stand firm in our faith. We get so busy trying to decode revelation that we miss the point. Stand firm. Do not deny Jesus and stand firm. Even to the point of death. That is the whole message to the persecuted church in Revelation.
   When I am on Facebook and I see the video's and articles of ISIS or read about missionaries who are held hostage because of their faith I put myself in their shoes and say quietly, "I will stand firm in my faith dad. You have helped me see the need for this. I am ready ahead of time. I will stand strong." I live in less fear because I know where I stand.
   Thank you dad for leading me to freedom. Thank you God for being able to break through his crazy and tell me the Truth I needed to hear.
  
    
  

Midlife Crises

  
   Warning: This blog has no point. I went to write a facebook post yesterday that turned into five paragraphs. I realized it wasn't a facebook post, but a blog. So here it is... just because I love to share everything about myself.

   On Friday, I was on my way to sign something at a local business. I knew the business had office hours in the afternoon but I did not check the time as I headed out the door. When I got to my destination the door was locked. Boooo! I had a moment of inner shoooot! The sign on the door said open 2pm-6pm. I could see the clock on the wall inside and was relieved that I was only 10 minutes early. I had about a five second brainstorm in which I scoped out all the places I could sit outside the door and wait. As I stalked out my place I noticed the dentist office next door...I wonder.
   I walked over to the office and saw that they had a very very nice place for me to hang out as I waited. I openend the door like I had an appointment, and went straight to the magazines. Simple Living, SCORE! I sat down and forgot about the time and read every page of that magazine. At one point I looked up at the receptionist and said, "By the way, I don't have an appointment, I'm just here to read your magazines." and she replied, "Well help yourself to a cup of coffee to!" I think she was a mom.
   After I got home there was still time on the "get things done" clock. They sell those at Target. I took our Volvo to the West County Volvo shop to get the car it's yearly safety inspection. Funny thing... they had magazines there too. They also have THE biggest fluffiest leather chair that you ever did see. I took off my shoes, curdled up and took a nap. Right there in public I did. I do admit that when the ear that was awake heard people walking by I sort of woke up like I wasn't sleeping. I had a magazine in my lap that I could pretend I was reading real quick if I thought they were looking. There are acceptable places to sleep in public like airplanes and....anywhere if you are an old man. I kept picturing the car attendant standing by the chair awkward when my car was done wondering how he should wake me. It both horrified me, plus didn't stop me.
   Then yesterday I took my daughter to her sports lesson, and after we went to buy a snack and I HAD to have a ring pop. Green. I love fake green flavor. It's mostly sour apple, but when it's watermelon it still sort of tastes like sour apple. I have eaten ring pops before but never have I "needed" a ring pop.  On the way home there was a conversation going on in my head. My brain was considering how much I loved fake green and I began to devise a plan in which every time I went to the store I would buy every fake green sucker they had just in case there was ever a shortage of fake sour apple flavoring.
   As I was thinking such weird things I stopped and had a moment of panic... what is WRONG with me? Going into doctors offices without and appointment like I'm the boss. Taking public naps and needing ring pops?! I wondered for a split second if I was indeed starting my midlife crises. I checked my behavior from other occasions and relaxed. These are activities within the Wendy zone. I think it's just midlife freedom.
   I think we can assume hospitality more than we do when we need a rest. I recommend it actually. I also think that everyone should do their part in having a fake green flavor stash.....just in case.
  

Reflection on a dead bug.

   Whenever I hear people say they experience the presence of God in nature I sort of feel like there is a little club I don't belong to. That club is called, "God made the mountains so of course when you look at mountains, you can see God. The hand of God. The creativity of God. The hugeness of God." When I look at a mountain, I see a mountain. Meh.....shrug. I KNOW RIGHT? You don't have to read on. Five dollars says you will.
  
   Before you give me an honorary club membership or defend nature, you need to know what club I belong to. What draws me deeply into the presence of God, is the dead bug that is squished on the upper wall in my shower. I refuse to wash it off. And if in someone's absent mindedness, they think they are doing me a favor by removing it, not to worry, there are plenty of other bugs that I can squish in its place. The bottom line is that for now, I need that dead bug. I need to see it everyday before I start my day....I do.

   You see, the presence of God involves all the senses, touch, site, sound, taste, and smell. As well as heart, mind, and soul. That is a lot of layers. Before you think I'm crazy about the taste part I want to remind you what Psalm 34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good."  When I sit in this Psalm a little while the image of coming home from college comes to mind. I am reminded that college was an uncomfortable place full of new things and risk, and feeling over my head. When I would go home my mom would ask me, "What would you like me to make you for dinner?" and I would get to request my favorite home cooked meal, usually meatloaf.  I would get to sit at a familiar table, with familiar family, in a familiar house, tasting food that my mommy made and being reminded that I am loved. Psalm 34:8 becomes..."Taste my mom's cooking and see that the Lord is good." When I reflect on that verse, I am brought to an image, which brings me to a feeling, which brings me to the Truth that I am loved. And that automatically brings me to the Presence of God. Feeling loved reminds me of my Father in heaven. The goodness of mercy. The goodness of knowing that at any point I can rest because Jesus has made His home in me.
   The dead bug does this for me in the same way.....
  
  You'd think that looking at the dead bug would be an unhealthy focus on morbid things, but not so. When I see the dead bug I am reminded of the fact that this is not my home, this place. I am reminded that the goal for my day isn't my personal gain, but to lift others up and stand with them through hard things. If I didn't have the bug I would forget that the goal isn't perfection and happy things. The goal isn't to make things better, but to be real sometimes and sit in hard things and let them just be hard..... .
   I am reminded of Truth that God is still in control even if there is pain in life. This is not heaven quiet yet and pain doesn't mean that God isn't working. I am reminded that even though Jesus healed Lazarus... he eventually died. This is not our home.
   You see, if I don't reflect on the dead bug then I go through my day thinking that pain is wrong and if pain is wrong then I better DO something....because God isn't doing anything about it. If I think God isn't doing anything about it...well then...I will! If I go to a meeting and it isn't being lead, then I'm going to lead! And if I think someone is mad, I'm going to try to convince them not to be mad. And if someone is hurt then I'm going to do inner healing prayer and get 'er DONE!!
   Our panic to control, and our panic to fix things....says a lot about who we think God is, and what He can do... or what He is supposed to do.
   The weekend that I gained clarity about God was a Saturday when Don was gone. I was cleaning the barbeque and a huge chunk of the grill sprang up into my eye. I knew it was bad immediately and went in the house to flush it out with water. After about 45 minutes I knew I needed extra help and asked friends on facebook if they knew am eye doctor I could call on a Saturday. My whole side of my face was turning red and my eye was so swollen. My kids were starting to get worried. I didn't know what to do. I leaned over the sink and yelled at God, "DO YOU EVEN SEE ME?" and then I started crying. It was the Truth of the dead bug.
   If God isn't doing anything to fix it....does he even see me?
   After about another 1/2 hour of trying to flush out the chunk in my eye, I resolved to just go sit in the living room. On my way to the couch, the sensation went away. I stopped. Moved my eye around and thought, "huh. That was weird." I gave myself time to reflect on how I really felt about God. Does He see me? And how many times have I tried to fix thing because I believe that God obviously doesn't care?
   I tried an experiment after that day. I paid attention to all the times that I said the words, "I thought that little problem was fixed!" or "Why are we still dealing with this?" and my favorite, "Maybe this time it will be better." Every time I caught myself saying those words I stopped, got in touch with the pain I was trying to fix. I felt it. And invited God to be with me.
   When I invited God to be with me in the pain I am reminded of the people who went before me.  God did not apologize when he asked Mary to bring Jesus into this world. He didn't. I think about her pregnancy as a single young lady. I think about her being nine months pregnant and riding on that donkey across the land and then in the end, she had to give birth in a dirty barn. Did God see her? I think about Jesus in the garden asking for the cup to be taken away but in the end surrendering, "Thy will be done." Did God see Him? Yes. Just because there are hard things, like death, and unemployment, and learning disabilities, and deer that eat our vegetables.... doesn't mean that God isn't doing anything. I don't know what the heck He IS doing. But He is doing.
   Last night my youngest was asked for the first time to contribute to the household. He sat on the bed for a long time. Then when he finally was held accountable to fold his shirts he cried the whole time he did it. One hour. Then when he had to go to bed right away because he spent so much time doing his chores, he cried while he got ready for bed. Then he cried while he was in bed for another hour.
   I went in to stare at him and he said, "I have to do everything around here. I have to fold my own shirts... I have to go to school all day.... I have to walk ALL the way home from school!" and I just watched his crying face. I wondered how much of our prayers are like this. God watches our struggles and knows that it's really all just a part of growing up and that our serving muscles or our confrontation muscles, or our making due with little muscles are just small, and sore. I think God sometimes looks at us and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't see any problem really." Last night the crying of my youngest wasn't a sign that something was wrong. His crying was a sign that everything was right. He should feel the pain of sacrifice. He should. On his own...he won't fold his own shirts.
  
   On our own. We will run from hard things. We will. I will. I do.
   When we have little children we encourage them to be creative and pretend. Now is the time to play "real". Invite God into the shower. Maybe God will just look into your crying face and smile. Maybe he will encourage, heal. Maybe He will tell you to confront. Maybe he will just dance with you. Maybe he will fix it, and maybe he won't. Just be with Him, and surrender. He sees you.

   Now excuse me, I got a date with a dead bug.