Am I suffering well?

    This is meant to be a simple Lenten reflection. I think it is good to take note and reflect on how it is going to lay our lives down. This last week, there have been three stories, one movie, one book, and one from scripture that has struck me. You know I like to go deep!

   BEAST MODE
   The other day our family was watching a movie and it was a harsh movie about a father who lived on an island that was prone to flooding. He had a little girl about 5 or 6, and she often had to fend for herself. They lived off the land and life was tough. In one of the scenes, the girl was starving and her father was missing. When he finally came back she was defending herself, throwing things, and burning down their house.
   It was clear in the story that the girl's father refused to leave the island. He was stubborn when people wanted to help him. He never told his daughter his feelings and often told her not to cry.
   At one point when the little girl was fending for herself and being brave my son said, "Beast Mode!" I thought about that phrase. It reminded me of a video game when the characters are put in a battle situation and you press "B" and it turns your character into a bigger character with super powers to kill the bad guy. The little girl in the movie had turned on her "beast mode" of life to try to make it through.
   At the end of the movie, the main characters had to reckon with their choices. They were suffering because of "self sabotage." I'm sure you've heard of that? The were living in a land that wasn't thriving. They were choosing friends that drank a lot and made bad choices. They were saying no to invitations that would help them and bring them life. To make it through, they were entering into Beast Mode. They were yelling a lot. They were defending their choices and calling other people, stupid. They felt misunderstood. People tried to help them, and they dug their heals harder into their sad life and refused to change. They were hard hearted..... Beast Mode.


   IS THIS ALL YOU GOT!?
   We just got back from a family road trip. When we travel for long distances, we like to listen to books on tape. This last time we listened to a book about a boy that gets stranded in the wilderness from a plane crash. He is a victim.
   The boy has a hard two months figuring out shelter and how to eat. As a family we spent 5 hours listening to the story of hardship and victory. Learning, and failing. Just when the boy seems to figure out how to survive he gets attacked by an animal and hit hard by a tornado. There was a part of me listening to the story that was so angry. He just figured out how to live in his circumstances and then he gets knocked down! It was a true story of inspiration because the boy was a true victim and our whole family was pulling for him. In the end, the boy figures out that he is going to live from the attack and from the tornado and he yells at nature, "IS THIS ALL YOU GOT!!!??"
   That line struck me. Sometimes we fear the worst, and then when we survive it, and realize we are going to be okay, we feel invincible.


   NOT MY WILL, BUT YOURS BE DONE
   And then, of course, for Lent I have been thinking about the scene in the Garden, where Jesus sweats blood. He asks the Lord to take away His circumstances and struggles and prays. In the end, He is brave enough to surrender, "Not my will but yours be done, Father." I am so struck by the fact that Jesus lives for a greater purpose and walks willingly toward his own death.
   I had a friend ask me about 20 years ago, "What kind of God would kill sheep to atone for His people?" and I responded, "What kind of God would kill His son to atone for His people?" in the end, I couldn't defend God but just ask an even deeper, more disheartening question.
   And even today I ask, "What kind of God would then turn around and ask His followers to go with him and die to self daily?"
   This is a Holy suffering. A suffering of choice.

   Maybe after reading these three things, you have your own thoughts and reflections. If you want to stop reading, feel free. But I'll tell you where my brain has been going. I'll tell you the questions I've been asking if you want to know.

- What are specific ways that God has asked me to lay my life down for other people?
- Am I choosing to duke it out with God when I feel lonely and can't go on?
- Where in my life do I believe I don't deserve good things, and reject good invitations?
- When do I get angry and enter into Beast Mode and blame my suffering on other people?
- Where am I suffering in my life because of bad choices I have made?
- What are things in my life that I can't control, where I am a true victim, where am I fighting?
- How am I sharing about my life? Which of these 3 ways of suffering does my sharing reflect?

   As I think about these things an analogy comes to mind. Where am I pouring water on myself and complaining that I'm cold and wet. Where am I getting water poured on me and I'm honestly fighting to be dry? And where am I getting in the water so that I can walk alongside others and help pull them out of the cold and wet? And finally, if I choose to get in the water with people am I blaming them or angry at them that I'm wet? Or am I getting wet with love and compassion and focusing on Jesus who is also in the water.