From Fear to Freedom

  Every Christian parent has hopes of their child leaving the home for the first time with a solid faith. Maybe the fantasy is imagining their child going off to college and still going to church on Sunday mornings, belonging to a service organization and being a dedicated student. Maybe even being involved in a college group like InterVarsity or Campus Crusade for Christ.
   We parents have this dream for our children because we have been changed by receiving the mercy God has for us and we want our children to live a life worthy of the gospel. Maybe even some of us have gone down a path that lead us to a lot of pain and we don't want to see our children do the same thing.
   Sometimes along with this pure desire for our children,  we lose focus and become insecure and desperate that our children will believe and receive the life we have received. I've noticed it in myself and talked about it with others. May the Lord bless us as we look at this together and be open to laying down our parenting fears.
   Let's consider the Bible verse that is going around our church and Christian culture everywhere, "Teach your children the way they should go and they shall never depart from it." (Proverbs 22:4-7)
This is a GREAT passage of scripture. It is right and good. We have taken it seriously and taken ownership of influencing our children. We have maybe even begun family worship and praying together as a family and talking with our children about faith and right and wrong. And we are seeing great fruit with this. Children are praying and making some great decisions to stand up for friends and help the poor.
   My husband and I have always been very active in raising up our children in the way they should go. We take advantage of teachable moments and pray together. But as Don and I started raising up our children in the public eye of the church, it became very clear to us that our children were not going to give us a family reputation of "sweet Christian family." About the second year of stepping foot into Bonhomme Presbyterian Church my oldest son was playing tag in the basement with a bunch of youngin's and got caught behind a post and yelled, "SHIT!!!!" Probably every Sunday I have a parent saying, "Simon is punching my child." .....sigh.. Yes yes. I know. But I've TOLD my children the way they should go....why aren't they doing it?!?!?!
   Here enters the great insecurity of parenting our children into faith. We start to wonder what other parents think about us and demand perfection in public. We dare to believe that we can make a difference but then at every outburst of our child, we are convinced that we aren't a good mom. Or a good dad. We even panic the biggest what if? What if I take responsibility for my childs faith, and they reject it? I would be sad...disappointed....even embarrassed.
   About 2 years ago I realized that every word I was saying to my child was either a reprimand, or advice. The more public our children misbehaved, the more embarrassed I got. The more embarrassed I got, the more I felt I must correct and advise, to raise up my children in the way they should go.
   My children would come home from school and I would pounce on them with questions, "How did it go? Did you turn in your homework? Who did you sit with at lunch? Did things with friends go well? Did you write down your homework today?" I didn't ask these questions because I cared about the well being of my child. I was asking these questions because I wanted to make sure my son didn't mess up. And if he DID mess up......I would say things like, "Why didn't you turn in your homework? You need better systems! Who said you were dumb? That makes me so mad! Why don't you get involved in an activity? You need to include that kid, that would be the right thing to do."
    One day I was having a "discussion" with my oldest. Which means I was telling him how he was wrong and how he should change his ways and I saw something in his eyes....I saw a longing in him to say something to me. So I asked him, "What?!" in an intimidating voice. And he dared share. He got half way through and I interupted him, "See? That's what I was talking about, you need to assert yourself!" and he said under his breath, "You never listen to me." .... and my ears were opened and I heard him...."you never listen to me....you never listen to me."
Those words hung over my head and I felt like a spoon was dug into my heart. 
   Those are words that either harden your heart....or change you. Luckily the Holy Spirit can give wisdom and understanding and I needed some. I heard this knowing of Truth in my heart, "Wendy, let go. What are you afraid of? This was a good question.
   I was afraid that my children would make dumb choices. I was afraid my children would get bad grades and never go to college. I was afraid my children would get teased in middle school and have pain. I was afraid my children would be known as the bad kids and parents wouldn't want their kids anywhere near my kids........
   So I did the very normal thing of trying to protect them....."Let go of them." God said to me. "Let me protect them. YOU teach them the way they should go, and I will tell them the way they should go in their ear."
   I wrote out all my fears and then wrote out a Truth prayer that would help me choose faith instead of fear.  It helped me believe that God DOES indeed have a plan for my children. A plan for good and not for harm.
   The second thing I did was sit in a chair when my children came home from school. And I said nothing. I waited to receive them...whatever they would offer. This was the biggest change and I gave myself a rule that I could not advise or reprimand but only ask listening questions like, "Boy it sounds like you were sad today." or "What a great day!"
   I have learned something from doing this. Turns out my kids know the Truth. They either made good choices that day or bad choices....but they know. I don't have to tell them again. They want me to be proud of them, or hold them while they cry on my lap. 
   There is fruit...My daughter sits and talks with me and my son shares with me now.

   I recently got off the phone with a mom who purposefully took her son out of Christian Middle School and now sends her son to public middle school. Why would she do that? The answer was interesting. She said, "Wendy the teachers were giving out assignments and my son was writing essays about the right Christian answer. He was giving the right answer....but does he do it? Does he know it? I wanted him to be around people who believed different. I didn't want Christianity to be the right answer so that he could really make a choice.....
   That rings in my ears as well....I want them to make a choice....to make a choice.....
    When we beat Truth into their ears with advice and reprimand, they hear the right answer. When we listen to our children and help them think through things, we teach them to make the right choices and know the right answer in their heart.
   
   The hardest day of this was when my son was in fourth grade. We had moved to a new town two years before and he hadn't made any friends....except....the boy that no one else liked. The boy that all the cool kids made fun of. He was in such a dilemma and had such a HUGE choice to make. Do you see the choice?
   My son sure knew. He said one day, "Mom, it would be so easy for me to just make fun of (Kevin) and be one of the cool kids. But I like (Kevin).... But if I am friends with (Kevin) then everyone will make fun of me.".........and I listened, and asked questions.
   He knew the Biblical choice. But he had to choose. I could not choose this one for him. Suppose I had told him, "Well, Simon, you know what Jesus would do....it says in dotherightthingalonions of:course that we have no choice, you have to befriend (kevin), how would that have made him feel? Trapped? Angry? Sad? Probably not free.
   At the end of fourth grade my son came home very very upset.  He had crossed over to the cool kid side. He made fun of (kevin). It was the hardest thing to hear that he had done this. In my heart I was screaming, "NO YOU DIDN'T, MY SON DOES NOT DO THAT!" or "You HAVE to apologize to him tomorrow, or you will get a consequence." I simply said, "How did it feel to do that?" and he said, "Awful mom. I am so afraid I ruined our friendship forever."
   Yes. That is right. Because God whispers in his ear. God whispers.
   "What are you going to do Simon?"
   "Nothing mom. Nothing."
   Second hardest thing. To not force an apology. I didn't know if that was the right choice. But I didn't. I just said. "Well Simon. You seem to feel bad, and when I feel bad it really feels good to apologize, but you have to decide what you are going to do..." And we prayed about it. That God would guide him.
   And he didn't apologize. But he had to sit on that all summer. He had to wonder if (Kevin) would be his friend...if he would have any friends.
   When fifth grade started, my Simon came home after the first day peaceful. He had made up with (Kevin) and felt great about it. "I've decided not to be popular mom. I've decided I want to be friends with (Kevin)."
   Aaaaaaaaaaa yes. That was worth waiting for.
  
   What great freedom we have to give our children up to the Lord. To Trust that He will be their Holy Spirit for the hard choices only they can make.  We will speak Truth to our children and we will reprimand them....but let's not do it out of fear or a desire to control. God will speak value into their hearts...and God will give them special friends.....and God will give them a identity... and God will give them conviction.....and God will.....God will....God will.....God will......