Letting Go

  
   Hey guys!!!! This years advent reflection involves a freedom dump. A freedom dump is when you have struggled and struggled with something for a long time and you get what you need to just..let...it...go!
  
   I said it. That silly phrase. Just let it go. I hate it. Do you know when I hate that phrase the most? When I need to let go of something. It's so JoyFM. Just let it go listeners. Well that's all fine and dandy when you are the one looking in. But what about when you are the one in the struggle?
 
   People have been asking me how I'm doing these days and I have been honest that I'm doing well, but there are some things I'm waiting on. I keep telling folks that it's probably because Don has a sermon that God wants him to preach on waiting. Our family always seems to have to go through something about a year ahead of when Don preaches it. But you know what? Turns out I'm not special in this area. It's not just preachers families that have to wait on things. Turns out this waiting thing is for anyone who....you know....breathes.

   Let's be clear that I'm not talking about waiting as in, take your turn waiting. I'm talking about a "you don't have everything you need" waiting. I'm talking about an "if God doesn't come through with this, our life will be uncomfortable," or "I won't get the thing my heart has been aching for my whole life" waiting.

    We may need to have a little discussion about what is harder. Waiting.. or watching someone wait. Waiting...or having a conversation with people who aren't waiting.  It's a hard conversation to have. It's awkward and painful. So painful. You have the person who longs for something, aches for something, is in need for something, is empty inside for something. The last thing you want to hear are words that try to fix it.

   Then there is the other side of it. Watching someone suffer and not knowing what to say.  There is this awkward silence when you know you can't fix someones waiting and you just sort of stand there. You want to say something encouraging like, "It's all for the best," or "you will be stronger after this is over." and then there are those words that cut like a knife...."You would feel so much better if you just let it go." Those words make anyone want to yell, "That's easy for you to say...you aren't the one waiting!!!!!" But we don't yell that of course, (just in our heads), in front of you, we are a very nice verbal Hallmark card.

  Alright alright alright lets get to the point where we receive this freedom dump that I spoke of. To get to that freedom dump, we need to dive into why we don't like those words, "Just let it go." This is the part of the blog where I start to divulge personal information which is why I'm your favorite. It's not that we don't like those words of "just let it go", it's just that those words rat us out that we haven't done THE most important thing, which is trusting God. We are supposed to let things go, and not worry, and give it to God. It's embarrassing not to be able to do that. If I say to someone, "Waiting is hard, and I don't want to wait another day," it's like I am wearing a nametag that says, "Hello my name is Wendy, and I don't trust God."
   Well....waiting is hard and up until this morning, I didn't know if I could do another day of waiting. There I said it. It's not that I didn't try to let it go. I tried really hard. In fact, I'm going to let you in on my process of trying.
 Here's my last year in a nutshell: 

1. I just accepted the waiting and knew that in God's timing it would end eventually. The problem with this one is that it didn't end quickly and the next day I was done waiting.

2. I waited patiently externally, but internally I was mad. I thought about what I wanted all the time

3. I realized I needed to ask God in FAITH and believe without a doubt that he would give me what I asked for in JESUS name. So I asked. And was content for a while because I chose to believe without a doubt, that Jesus would answer me in my faith.

4. God didn't give me what I asked for and I yelled at him...."You said you would give it to me if I asked you!?....why are you not giving this to me!??!?!" And he didn't answer so I had to go back to being externally patient and internally mad.

5. Next I tried spending time in silence and solitude and felt renewed........as long as I was in silence and solitude. When I was home I was busy trying to fix things and make my waiting end.

6. I read a book called "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald May and he said I needed to surrender to my waiting. So I did. I told God I couldn't do it anymore. I surrender. I can't fix it. I'm done. This worked for a long time. When I surrendered I was real before God and He in turn gave me the strength to go another day.

7. After a long time, the surrendering of my heart of "I can't" became a lie that didn't bring refreshment but depression. Luckily God reminded me that "I CAN do all things, through Christ who strengthens me!" I began to meditate on "I can" for a while. And that helped.

8. I started becoming desparate to understand why God hadn't given me what I needed. I have done everything right. I have asked. I have surrendered. I have believed I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. What do I have to do? How do I give this to God? So I said, "Okay God, I give this to you. Even though I don't feel it, I choose to trust you." ......nothing. No relief of the pain of waiting.
   
   Wow, Putting these things altogether I can see that I was approaching God as though he was a magic potion. If I said the right words, or if I prayed the right way, I could control God. I could MAKE him give me what I want....that probably wasn't cool.
  
   Then....this morning! Yay this morning! This morning I had a freedom dump. The thing that helped me cross over to really really really letting go. It's...ready?....It's the second layer.... Or what I like to call the finding Nemo moment. It's that moment that everyone else can see but you. It's when you let go of what you DON'T want instead of what you DO want. Nemo's dad searches and searches for Nemo for the first half of the movie. He struggles to find him. Struggles to get that thing that he wants. He keeps saying, "I have to find him, I have to find him." When he encountered friends along the way, he asked, "Have you seen him?" Every conversation centered around finding him. It's only when he's holding onto the whale tounge and realizes that he needs to deal with the pain of NOT finding him, that he let's go.
   And that's what I did this morning. I focused on the question, "What if I don't get what I want?" I spoke out loud, what if this is it? What if life stays this way? What if don't get to define what's best for me right now? What if God gets to define how we live and I don't. The answer to that question is a bit painful because the reason we are asking for what we want or need is because we are lacking. To not get it is to face the empty. To face the mourning and loss. To face the change and uncertainty of not knowing.

   This could be the most no duh blog I've ever written, except.....what do you not want? What if your life is just like it is? What if nothing changes? It's when we ask these questions that we can truly understand what it is that we need to let go of. We understand where we need to redefine what is good, or what level of comfort we get to live in. Maybe it even forces us to look at suffering and see the beauty in it. Most of all we get in touch with who we really are, and enter into the presence of God.

   Waiting.... for what we want.... and what we don't want.

     This advent we are waiting for Jesus. Hark the Herald Angels sing! That's a more pretty song about waiting for Jesus.  But where are the finding Nemo Christmas songs? The songs about what I'm TRULY waiting for this advent... I'm waiting for God to fill my empty. For God to change my heart and give me patience. I'm waiting for God to take away the lies of the enemy that fill our heads with, "you are stupid, and worthless" or "you can't do that, you will never make a difference." I'm waiting for marriages to be reconciled. I'm waiting for people to care for the prisoners who don't deserve care. I'm waiting for God to give me a heart that wants to go two miles when people ask me to only go one. I'm waiting for Jesus to take away my pride and help me do things anonymously. I'm waiting for good honest conversation that leads to the masks of suburbia to be taken OFFFFF!!!!!

   This is what I mean when I sing..... O come O come Emmanuel.