LOVEEEEEEEEEE

   When I first got married I had tension in my heart about the whole thing. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Don, but at the same time I was terrified. We both knew that we were headed into this commitment for the long haul. The word divorce was not an option. And that....is what made my heart weary. If divorce is not an option, then my spouse may lose heart to be in the marriage, and stay with me, because he said he would....stuck.
   It's a scary thing to think that you would become a person that people have to choose to love.
   Or a vulnerable thing....
   Either way, I'd hate to think that anyone would be with me because they had too. Or because they chose it...not because I was a joy to be around.
   During my time at University, I remember going to my first InterVarsity meeting with a speaker and hearing the words, "We are going to choose to love people, even when it's hard to love them," and I thought, "Who is hard to love?...Gosh, that would be terrible to think that people are hard to love...or that I am hard to love." The whole subject kept coming up in our Christian Fellowship group and I wondered who these people were, that they felt people were so hard to love? My assessment was that there was something wrong with them....they obviously weren't mature in their faith.
    As I experienced the college life, living on my own for the first time, living with people, going on retreats, spending extended time with folks other than my safe family, I began to notice that life was different than I thought. Out there in the real world, everywhere I went, there were people. There were different kinds... and they didn't have my brain. The world didn't revolve around me and my needs. Who knew? My eyes were opened. I took the first step in realizing that in fact there WERE people out there hard to love.....good thing I was adorable! How terrible for them....I know right?
    But then it happened. The first time someone told me I was obnoxious.
    Yes....obnoxious.  They actually used those words....and more... I remember well. "Wendy you get hyper and you don't know when to stop. It's obnoxious and I don't want to be around you when you get that way."....... Awkward silence and possibly some sobbing.
   So maybe I just had a bad year. Maybe I needed to get rid of some baggage. I doggedly started counseling and inner healing and tried to get to the bottom of things so that I could be better! In my mind that worked. In my mind I was more in control of my emotions and my tendencies to get attention at all costs.
   But it seemed that there was always more. Some confrontation with a person that brought me to my knees that it just...might...be...true.... There might be no one out there...who is loveable at all times.

    So here's the deal.... Seriously folks. I'm embarrassed to admit this progression I went through, but I am going to tell you:
#1 Everyone is adorable
#2 Some people are not adorable, but I am adorable.
#3 Every else is not adorable, but I am still adorable....
#4 Even I am not adorable sometimes.....Oh dear.
#5 If we live in community and really follow Jesus, everyone will have to choose to love me, just like I will have to choose to love people I live and work with.... Oh dear...Oh DEAR!!!!
Why?!?!? Why does it have to be that way!??! I demand a rematch!

   I have found that there is great freedom in getting to the #5 reality. In fact it is so freeing that I have some words I'd like you to try with me... Say, "I am not awesome." Now take it to the next level, "I am not awesome....and people know it." ....ready for the ultimate? "I am not awesome, people know it.... and still love me!" YESSSSS It's true. We are not awesome. People know it...and love us anyway... still.

   I fight it. In fact, every time my husband goes away on a trip I just can't stand how bad my character is when I watch the children on my own. It's like I become 12 years old again and don't know how to parent without my Donnie. And it's always so public. Either I lose it at church or I lose it when the front door is open and someone just HAPPENS to be walking by. I lift my hands up like a criminal just caught by the police and say, "Oh hey there.... here I am! heh heh"  This week my man is in Honduras and I wrote him a text that said, "I am not mature enough to do this, nor do I have the character to love your children well." Do you know what he texted back? He said, "I don't care what you are.....you are mine."
   Shoooooot people.
   That little girl who was scared to get married has had her idea of beauty changed. Beauty used to be that we all never fought and lived in peace and no one ever raised their voice. But how deep...how deep is the love I have for those who have seen me at my worst and have stayed.
   And you know eventually these blogs of mine get down to my Jesus right?
   Today I looked my 12 year old in the eyes and said, "Simon... you know how sometimes there are people in your life that you would rather they would go away? Because they make your life hard, or because they inconvenience you...or make it so you don't get what you want? Well think about this. Those people have never inconvenienced you more than you have inconvenienced Jesus. Because of you, He was nailed to a tree and murdered. Now THAT....is giving someone a hard day."
   We just looked at each other and smiled. Because bearing with one another in love is the beginning. It's where our faith starts. I find that the harder it is to love someone...the greater the joy. Because when we don't want to love....that is when we actually DO love.
  
   It will be my pleasure to try very hard to help you understand this.....by being really difficult.